Having been rejected by the British public at seven previous General Elections noted self-publicist, Nigel Farage has decided not to stand in the upcoming vote.
“I looked at it and decided, nah! I won’t bother this time. Of course I’m not worried about being rejected for the eighth time. Anyway, I’ve got more than enough work not to be getting on with, in the European Parliament. Frankly the pay, benefits and lunches are much better in Brussels.” Said Nigel.
There was some disappointment that the privately educated, multi-millionaire, man of the people had chosen not to be rejected by the voting public.
Many comedians and satirists had already prepared their ‘Nigel loses his deposit’ stories. Ian Hislop explained “We had half a dozen front-page pictures mocked up. My favourite was a bouncer throwing him our of a pub with the tag line ‘We don’t want your sort in here.’, we’ll just have to use it for Boris.”
Nish Kumar opined, “Months, fuckin months of material just wasted. Oh well, it’s back to the Prince Andrew jokes.”
There was some good news for Nigel fans after the BBC confirmed that they had indefinitely renewed his weekly appearance on Question Time.