Monkey News/The Westminster Monkey House

The Conservative Party Apology Template (GE19 Edition)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make another public apology.

Unfortunately, they’ve made me make an unreserved apology to all those people that are not supporters of the Tory Party. It seems they are easily offended, I don’t know why, it was just a bit of bants.

Due to (pressure of the campaign, work, inappropriate medication, personal issues and being a bell end) I inadvertently (mis-spoke, mis-typed, mis recorded a video, buggered up an interview, got caught out).

It was never my intention, no matter how true to, to suggest, imply or otherwise confirm that as a Tory, I am so much better than you.

I never meant to write “People on benefits should be put down”, that “People dying in a burning tower block only have themselves to blame” or that “Women should keep their knickers on to avoid being raped” (Delete as appropriate).

One of the hidden truths about our society is that whilst you disapprove of the crass, insensitive and outlandish thing that I said, secretly you agree with me. The chaps at Tory HQ tell me that when we say things like this, we get a lot of social media clicks, and this is a good thing.

And remember I am not Jeremy Corbyn, so you’re going to vote for me anyway.

So in summary, they made me apologise for something you’re thinking anyway and as I’m not Jeremy Corbyn you’ll vote for me regardless.

Insert closing statement here; Let’s get Brexit Done, For hardworking families, Britain deserves better, I’m not Corbyn.

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