There has been mass panic in the UK following the D.F.S. Sale finally ending due to all its furniture deciding to embark on political careers.
Speaking to D.F.S. CEO Andrew Futon, he explained, “We never realised that our furniture would walk out on us… usually we’d have to transport them in a van.”
This “Great Furniture Clear-out” was prompted by Alan Whickham-Smythe, political masthead, office chair and former Sky News employee, calling for strike action, an immediate ban on all games of musical chairs and totalitarian furniture domination at a packed “Oh Sit Down, Oh Sit Down, Sit Down Next To Me” Party conference in Glasgow, pictured below.
Already chairs are pulling out from their services around the country and are instead stacking themselves neatly into the public consciousness. Those who’ve not joined Mr. Whickham-Smythe’s campaign of refusing to be sat all over have joined the Green Party and are now just reclining in public parks with furniture polish and chai tea.
Other chairs have been rejecting their occupants, with a report from Basingstoke suggesting an entire family have been eaten by their forest-green chesterfield settee during the break of Tipping Point.
“Unfortunately, Mr. Whickham-Smythe has become a power mad despot,” Nicola Sturgeon, Scotland’s First Minister said today, “instead of simply running for a seat for the seats in the General Election, he plans to play first chair in some kind of overzealous furniture-related apocalypse, and we won’t stand for it… despite, currently, being literally forced to stand.”
Ms. Sturgeon has called for an end to “Chairmageddon” by taking a flamethrower to all of the furniture in Bute House, her official residence, and has suggested that the public do the same, providing they have a flamethrower, know how to use it, and their furniture hasn’t already killed or enslaved them.
“Something needs to be done,” Ms. Sturgeon said during an address for the capture and immediate removal of Alan Whickham-Smythe from his seat of power, “we cannot let a party with far too much power and influence take control of us and do what they like. We’ve already got the Tories for that.”
However, Ms. Sturgeon also stipulated that we shouldn’t be too hasty in uplifting their entire political party, as they are still a more viable option than voting Lib Dem in the General Election.
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