EU Immigrant wins British money in Euromillions lottery win

Brexiteers have burst with rage over the news that an EU immigrant “has come over here and taken our Euromillions lottery win.”

The lucky winners are a couple from West Sussex. Steve Thomson and his Slovakian wife, Lenka, have trousered £105 million and it seems they plan to stay in the Sussex area and continue to contribute to the local community.

Arch-Brexiteer Mark Francois, failing to see any irony in this being a Euromillions lottery, foamed at the mouth as he addressed a meeting calling for immigrants to be barred from receiving lottery prizes. “We simply have to get Brexit done,” he told his local English Defence League pub meeting. “If we had taken back control of our borders years ago, this wouldn’t have happened. This fortune could have gone to a proper English couple.” Seconds later, veins bulged from his temples and he fainted, according to witnesses.

But Francois wasn’t the only Brexiteer clearly in pain over this couple’s jackpot joy.

John Redwood told us, “This sort of sum is usually reserved for beneficial owners of overseas companies based in the British Virgin Islands, such as Jacob, Boris and me. It’s not for a builder and a shop worker, and especially not a foreign shopworker. We’ll be looking into this and ensuring the funds end up in appropriate hands as soon as possible.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg, largely absent from the media due to saying that people burning to death lacked common sense, made a rare appearance to offer the services of his asset management business. “What a wonderful opportunity this gentleman will have to invest in my business. It’s only common sense that we should be hiding the money offshore for him before he divorces his foreign wife and upgrades to an English one.”

Speculation is rife in Brexiteer circles that Mrs Thomson will retreat to Slovakia now that she has made her money in Britain, and that the UK economy won’t benefit. “That’s a load of hovadina*,” she told us. “And Mark Francois can kurva**, too.”

Meanwhile, Brexit continues.

* hovadina is Slovak for bollocks

** kurva is Slovak for f*ck off