Met Office to reboot Stonehenge as part of IT upgrade

Met Office plans to upgrade their weather forecasting technology by rebooting Stonehenge.

The current IT system, at Weather Towers, has become obsolete so the Met Office has looked for other cost-effective method for mis-predicting the weather. An initial quote of £1.2B for a new supercomputer was discounted as too expensive. One novel approach was to reboot Stonehenge.

I remember when this was cutting edge technology!

The ancient druidic supercomputer was decommissioned when science dismissed ancient wisdom as ‘a load of mumbo-jumbo’. Fortunately, thanks to the hard work of pseudo-scientists like Gwyneth Paltrow, these olden practices have been revisited.

Programmers will re-align the stones, give them a good scrub and sacrifice a virgin from Swindon as part of the re-booting programme. The commissioning ceremony will conclude at the Summer Solstice, with the weather presenters dancing around in the nuddy.

Stonehenge
Crowd gather for the virgin sacrifice and the nuddy dancing

Chief Mysteriologist Ian Napton said “We considered different arcane rituals before deciding that this method of mis-predicting the weather was the most cost-effective. Unfortunately, we had to discount ‘scrying the runes’ due to EU rules, reading foxes entrails was a non-starter because of the hunting ban and science was just too expensive.

Our experts tell us that once the new system is in place the general public will have no more idea of whether to bring an umbrella, pack an extra sweater or slap on the sunscreen than they did under the old system.

The technology is very advanced, essentially site based forecasters will be reporting on real-time data flows. So if the henge is wet, it’s raining, if one of the top stones is lying on the floor wind is expected and should they be standing in the shade it’s off to the beach we go.”