Markets rally as Donald leads an anti-Corona Virus prayer meeting

American financial markets gained ground as Donald Trump led a communal prayer meeting to tackle the Corona Virus.

“As long as it doesn’t cost money, I’ll leave no stone unturned in our nation’s fight against the Corona Virus.” Said Mr Trump.

“It’s through thoughts and prayers that we can heal our country. With Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, we can stop this plague.

It’s a plague!

Yes, I could spend millions of dollars giving the poor access to Doctors and Nurses. And yes, we could introduce a testing programme to track the spread of the disease. And yes, we could put funds in place to make sure people are not out of pocket if they have to self-isolate. These steps would save the lives of some old people but what message would we be sending?

It’s socialism, that’s what it is. And if there is one thing the American people fear more than a painful, early death, it’s socialism!”

Controversially, the President went on to explain his views on religion, disease and death.

It’s true, I can’t stand them

“Look, if God wants you to die there’s nothing I can do about it, this is his will. We know this virus will affect poor people more than the rich folks, but that’s the way of things. You have to understand that our God, the American God, doesn’t like people being poor. If he cared about them, he would have made them rich like me.”

The markets were heartened by President Trumps comments and rallied accordingly.