Police to enforce social distancing by using a British Yardstick

After confirmation from The Prime Minister that Brexit continues, the Government are reintroducing imperial measurements, starting with The British Yardstick.

Following on from countless breaches of the social distancing regulations, The Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, plans to issue all British Bobbies with a yardstick. This means The Police can ensure everyone stays at least 2 1/5th  yards away from each other.

“You know where you are with a proper British Yardstick, and that is at a safe distance. I’m proud to say the Government are investing in British business, the supply of The British Yardstick to our wonderful police force can only be good for the country. It will give the British People the comfort of knowing that they have better protection than under the EU’s two-meter-rule because as every schoolchild knows, 6’ 6’’ is slightly further than two meters.”

jog off Bobby
British Bobbie holding a highly polished yardstick

Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Branson, Dyson and Tim Martin have formed a consortium to provide The Police Service with The British Yardstick. The French will manufacture The British Yardstick, which will be made by cutting the handles off old people’s walking sticks. Given the importance of social distancing measures, suppliers will prioritise the provision of The British Yardstick, over face masks. They will be ready for delivery by the end of September. The resulting profits will route through The Cayman Islands.

To ensure the correct use of The British Yardstick, The Police will receive full training. This will focus on metric to imperial conversion methods, how to use the British Yardstick to measure distance, and how to maintain your stick through vigorous oiling and polishing.  

Meanwhile, the government continues.

Here are some recent stories

Thank god we didn’t need to send up Matt Damon to save us

Big rock misses the Earth by 300 million miles

Everyday millions of tons of space rock, debris and old Tesla’s fly past the Earth. It’s nothing to be worried about.

Burn it down, that will stop it. Then we can rebuild it, better than before and make pots of cash

The Great Fire of London to stop the spread of Corona Virus

Using a great fire to make people homeless is a small price to pay for making me even richer, says Sir Richard Head.

Prebook your place today!

Lorry drivers can pre-book their own space in the Brexit traffic jam

If you are committed to being in the traffic jam anyway, if you’ve booked your slot, you don’t actually need to be there.