Cupid issues a public apology to Carrie Symonds

“Carrie, I’d like to say how sorry I am. It shouldn’t have turned out like this.” said Cupid, before going on to explain.

“I saw Carrie sitting in her flat with a bottle of Lambrini and a cat. I thought “this won’t do”. You can’t have a beautiful, rich, white girl sitting at home, bemoaning her lot in life, she is one of the chosen. So I tried to fix things.

There was this guy at her work, he looked like a Norse God. He was all bulging muscles, blond hair, blue eyes and packing a giant hammer. He seemed perfect. Anyway, I fired off the old A and thought no more about it. The system’s fool-proof, once the arrow hits, love is guaranteed.”

Now that’s what I wanted, says Carrie

“Well! You can imagine my surprise when I opened the paper, to find that Carrie was having Boris Johnson’s baby. That wasn’t the man I was aiming at!”.

After 2,500 years matchmaking, it appears his skills have faded. “I’ve had the odd cock-up over the years, who hasn’t? The tendonitis in the elbow plays havoc with the draw, sometimes I forget to oil the string and the eyes aren’t what they used to be. Occasionally, accidents happen.”

“An apology is not good enough” claimed Carrie. “At my age, I should be getting shagged senseless by some Viking God, with a huge hammer. But what did I get?  A pasty tub of lard with, questionable body odour, bad breath and a floppy cocktail sausage. When he’s not working, he likes to watch his bus go into a tunnel, and that’s not a euphemism. But now, I fuckin’ love him! What am I going to do?”

Boris Johnson
and the bus goes into the tunnel…

Following the latest embarrassment, a contrite Cupid has promised to get himself down to Specsavers. “Should have gone there in the first place.” He said.

Here are some recent stories

I’m in a bubble

Everyone is to be issued with a Zorb ball

Everyone will get a Zorbing Ball, that way they can socially distance, stay safe and save the plastics industry.

You dirty bastard, clean your fridge

Clean Your Fridge Campaign launched as mouldy food achieves sentience

The mould evolved after the internet enabled fridge accessed Google

Oh, we do like to be beside the seaside, say Millionaire winner

Millionaire winner celebrates with a caravan holiday

If he didn’t know what to do with it, he could have phoned a friend!