BBC News coverage to be cut to 10 minutes a day

With the worldwide lockdown curtailing almost all activity, the BBC has decided to cut their news output to 10 minutes a day.

The BBC’s Head of News said, “This is a fantastic opportunity for us to save a packet. Nothing is happening, so all we need is a bulletin that leads with ‘Corona Virus Lockdown continues’, follows it up with ‘valiant NHS Staff don’t have enough PPE’ and finishes with a heart warming story about some child from Middlesborough getting a thousand likes for his dead Granny on Instagram, before she looks wistfully at the camera and tells us that, “It’s what she would have wanted”.

Parents pride and joy
Granny dead, yeah!

Apparently, senior executives decided that hours of endless speculation about; the end of the pandemic, how no one has any money and that a vaccine will be available soon, have become so repetitive that no one noticed they ran the same newscast for three days running.

The cut in news coverage is good news for fans of Miranda, Mrs Browns Boys and Keeping Up Appearances, as the station plans to increase the number of episodes they show, in the mistaken belief that this ‘cheers everyone up’.

it’s the way I tell ’em

The accountants are delighted, by furloughing the higher paid staff, they can save enough money to fund the licence fees for the over 75’s. “Winner, winner, chicken dinner” said Ian.

Here are some recent stories

Thank god we didn’t need to send up Matt Damon to save us

Big rock misses the Earth by 300 million miles

Everyday millions of tons of space rock, debris and old Tesla’s fly past the Earth. It’s nothing to be worried about.

Burn it down, that will stop it. Then we can rebuild it, better than before and make pots of cash

The Great Fire of London to stop the spread of Corona Virus

Using a great fire to make people homeless is a small price to pay for making me even richer, says Sir Richard Head.

Prebook your place today!

Lorry drivers can pre-book their own space in the Brexit traffic jam

If you are committed to being in the traffic jam anyway, if you’ve booked your slot, you don’t actually need to be there.