Lawyers acting for the baby demand paternity test

Lawyers acting on behalf of the new born son of Carrie Symonds are demanding a paternity test in the hope it can be proven that Boris Johnson is not the father.

Guided by the science!

The infant, as yet without a public name, will have to carry the curse of being the son of Boris if other biological options aren’t available, and Human Rights groups have campaigned for the child to be spared this ignominy.

The child currently has an unknown number of siblings and ITV has expressed an interest in featuring the child on its hit show, “Long Lost Families,” presented by Davina McCall and Nicky Campbell.

Ms Symonds is well known among the Cabinet, but it’s unclear as to exactly how well known she was last year, and whether this might open up other paternal options.

Her experience at the top of the Conservative Party has unwittingly given rise to a new sport among young London socialites. “Bagging a Tory” is now considered a decent career path for young women able to bypass their own moral code.

‘Bagging a Tory’

Spokesmen for Eton College, Oxford University and Ford Open Prison have confirmed that places are being held, pending confirmation of paternity.

University to offer Degree in GoT
University

Meanwhile, Boris continues.


Here are some recent stories

Thank god we didn’t need to send up Matt Damon to save us

Big rock misses the Earth by 300 million miles

Everyday millions of tons of space rock, debris and old Tesla’s fly past the Earth. It’s nothing to be worried about.

Burn it down, that will stop it. Then we can rebuild it, better than before and make pots of cash

The Great Fire of London to stop the spread of Corona Virus

Using a great fire to make people homeless is a small price to pay for making me even richer, says Sir Richard Head.

Prebook your place today!

Lorry drivers can pre-book their own space in the Brexit traffic jam

If you are committed to being in the traffic jam anyway, if you’ve booked your slot, you don’t actually need to be there.