Stay Alert and keep 2 metres away from The Daily Mail

People are asked to stay at least 2 meters away from the Daily Mail and their readers.

The Government has urged people to stay alert. As the lockdown is lifted, the chances of accidental contact with The Daily Mail increase to dangerous levels.

Experts believe that exposure to The Daily Mail may cause the sudden onset of ignorance, intolerance and hate-filled, right-wing, bigotry.

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Daily Mail readers wearing their PPE

Gillian Napton’s infection occurred at Dr Patel’s surgery. “Someone had left it on a table, hidden beneath a copy of Woman’s Weekly… a child could have picked it up.” Sobbed Mrs Napton. “One glimpse of the headline was enough, I couldn’t stop myself reading it. It’s the fault of those dying immigrants, working on the NHS frontline without proper PPE. They’re the reason Gran died of Corona Virus. Now the liberal elite wants to control me by making me stand outside, applauding these hard-working, self-sacrificing, tax-paying, benefit-scrounging, granny killers.”

Following her exposure to The Daily Mail, Mrs Napton’s doctor prescribed a course of meditation, a Guardian subscription and a box set of Louie Theroux interviews. Gillian also carries a photo of cute baby animals so that when she feels hateful, a quick peek at the picture calms her down.

Think calm thoughts

Scientists hope that maintaining a safe distance and being extra vigilant will avoid the dreaded ‘second spike’ in incidents of racism, homophobia and widespread hatred of people called Meghan.

Daily Mail readers claim this infringes their human rights, restricts their freedom and is akin to the imposition of a fascist state. Matt Hancock thanked them for their support saying “It’s the least we could do.”

Matt Hancock

Perhaps now, Britain will be able to return to the open, friendly, caring and tolerant society it once was.

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