Government to launch Track and Trace App for Fish

A major government Track and Trace contract has been awarded under the new SCAM rules. The company involved, which will be named as soon as it is registered at Companies House and begins trading, will use AI technology to genetically trace fish and stop them from moving across national boundaries after the EU Withdrawal Agreement ends on December 31st.

“We are working in collaboration with the class-leading Mutant AI called Agrada to repurpose the UK’s world-beating Track and Trace technology used so successfully to limit the spread of Coronavirus. The system will use a technology called “mega-troupe”, essentially a million or so shaved apes equipped with high tech fishing nets, spreadsheets, label printers and genetic fingerprinting kits. The troupe will catch, genetically fingerprint, barcode and release the fish; then upload the data for Agrada to collate. Using a world-beating app, fishermen will scan the fish they catch so Agrada can then identify each fish and send interlopers back to their part of the ocean.” said, Pel Agic, Electronic fisherman

The operation will initially start out with one vessel and scale-up gradually. The Merchant Pedalo, Grayling (MP Grayling), is presently being fitted out for the task at a cost of £2.8m. The company says the contract, for which the taxpayer will shell out £3.5tn, is excellent value for money at around £1 per fish in the sea.

The UK government, when asked to comment, clammed up.


Do you fancy writing for the 83rd Best Satire Site on the Internet?

Think you can write a better story? Why not give it a go? Send your fantastical tale to submissions@chattychimp.co

We look forward to hearing from you.


Get one of these T-Shirts and help make Hancock synonymous with failure.

/Hancock. Making a colossal cock-up of something and pretending it was what you meant to do in the first place