The FA have announced an investigation into the World’s Worst Spy, found outside Derby County’s training ground looking at a fence and revealed to be a member of Leeds United staff.
This action potentially contravenes FA rule 4643-B, “No club shall force staff to watch a Frank Lampard training session.”, as well as rule 4115-C, “No manager shall try to cover up morally dubious actions by admitting them on national TV, or BT Sport.”. Continue reading “FA launch an investigation into T’spygate after a man from Leeds United looked at a fence”
Billy Beane revolutionised baseball by using stats-driven recruitment formulas to find the most effective ball players at the cheapest price. Since the remarkable success of the Brad Pitt film, Moneyball, there have been attempts to replicate the formula in the world of football, with varying degrees of success. That is, until now.
Continue reading “Moneyball comes to the Premier League”
Claims that standards of competence for MP’s have declined have been strongly rebuffed in a statement from parliamentary spokesperson, Ian Napton.
“Chris Grayling, the Transport Secretary, has been cited as an example of a ‘decline’ in ‘standards of competence’ within the House. This is simply nonsense.” Continue reading “Despite Chris Grayling there is no evidence parliamentary standards are dropping”
In a bid to grab hold of the best talent at the lowest price, Chelsea FC have lodged a bid for an unborn foetus currently gestating in the womb of a North London housewife. Continue reading “Chelsea Put in £14m Bid on Unborn Foetus”
Former United boss Jose Mourinho has finally had his say on recent events at Old Trafford.
Asked about how he feels towards his former players, Jose didn’t hold back, “Rashford is a traitor, Young is a traitor, Smalling is a traitor. I know they weren’t playing to their full potential. I forgive Phil Jones only. I thought, when I saw him playing for me, nobody can possibly be that shit at football if they are giving 100%. I see now that I was wrong.” Continue reading “Jose thoughts on what really happened at Manchester United”
A Surrey school has been forced to cancel their Year Nine school disco after the Senior Leadership Team, looking into the efficacy of the event, made a shocking discovery.
Mary Whittaker, the school’s Head of Dubious Decisions, explained the choice, “We were very careful in approaching this, we analysed all the data from the last eight years and found no correlation between students attending the school disco and eventual outcomes. For the same reason we have cancelled sports day, after-school badminton club, PE and school lunches. There is just no proof that children who eat are guaranteed a grade nine at GCSE French.” Continue reading “School cancels school disco due to outcome specific non-positive performance data”