Author: Alain Sheerer

Alain Sheerer is our Sports Correspondent. Someone has to do it. Always useful for a betting tip, whatever he advises, do the opposite. His best man was William Hill.

Everton announce ‘Stone Cold’ Steve as their new manager

Everton FC, after days of speculation, finally dumped Marco Silva this week following a humbling 5-2 loss in the Merseyside Derby.

Just forty-eight hours later, the club has announced his replacement, the result of an ‘exhaustive’ search (aka, ringing up Rafa Benitez and being told to piss off).

Look, stop coparing us to Liverpool, we are just not that good!

Teachers claim “there are not enough hours in the day” so the DfE has increased the day to 27 hours

The Department for Education has today announced a series of bold new measures to curb rising rates of absenteeism and truancy in the school system, in plans that are sure to shake things up once again.

DfE spokesman, Mr Nigel Planer, announced the scheme, “We are seeing ever increasing rates of truancy in school. Too many of our teachers just aren’t turning up to their lessons. We’ve tried everything we can – longer hours, more marking, seemingly random adjustments to examinations, pointless and laughable attainment measures – but nothing has worked.”

Teacher truancy now at record levels

Derby County – A Moral Example to Us All

Derby County Football Club have emerged today as a bastion, perhaps the last, of decency and honour in the murky, cash-guzzling world of professional football.

The club took a brave, some would say heroic, stance against their own club captain, 33-year-old Richard Keogh, after he sustained career-threatening, long-term injuries in a car accident, having gotten absolutely wankered at a booze-heavy team-building event last month.

Bringing shame on Richard’s everywhere!

West Brom to be reinstated into the Premier League following VAR Review

West Bromwich Albion are set to be reinstated to the Barclays Premier League after the successful conclusion of a VAR review into the 2017-2018 season.

Elsewhere, all of Burnley’s goals have been disallowed, while Harry Kane has lost the golden boot to Jamal Lascelles, who’s tally of 4 legitimate goals was enough to see off all comers. The biggest surprise came for Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City, who have plummetted down in the final standings to mid-table obscurity after 87 of their goals were chalked off.

Should have gone to specsavers!