Author: Alain Sheerer

Alain Sheerer has recently joined the troop as our Sports Correspondent. Someone has to do it.
Exasperated School Teacher

Teachers claim “there are not enough hours in the day” so the DfE has increased the day to 27 hours

The Department for Education has today announced a series of bold new measures to curb rising rates of absenteeism and truancy in the school system, in plans that are sure to shake things up once again.

DfE spokesman, Mr Nigel Planer, announced the scheme, “We are seeing ever increasing rates of truancy in school. Too many of our teachers just aren’t turning up to their lessons. We’ve tried everything we can – longer hours, more marking, seemingly random adjustments to examinations, pointless and laughable attainment measures – but nothing has worked.”

Richard Keogh

Derby County – A Moral Example to Us All

Derby County Football Club have emerged today as a bastion, perhaps the last, of decency and honour in the murky, cash-guzzling world of professional football.

The club took a brave, some would say heroic, stance against their own club captain, 33-year-old Richard Keogh, after he sustained career-threatening, long-term injuries in a car accident, having gotten absolutely wankered at a booze-heavy team-building event last month.

VAR

West Brom to be reinstated into the Premier League following VAR Review

West Bromwich Albion are set to be reinstated to the Barclays Premier League after the successful conclusion of a VAR review into the 2017-2018 season.

Elsewhere, all of Burnley’s goals have been disallowed, while Harry Kane has lost the golden boot to Jamal Lascelles, who’s tally of 4 legitimate goals was enough to see off all comers. The biggest surprise came for Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City, who have plummetted down in the final standings to mid-table obscurity after 87 of their goals were chalked off.

Education minister cuts school chair budget ‘Why do we need 1 chair per child?’ asks idiot

In another attempt to revolutionise the education system, the government has come up with bold new proposals that are set to overhaul the classroom experience for many students.

DfE spokesperson, Lord Dracula of Angmering, had this to say; “Essentially what we’ve noticed is that chair budgets are through the roof at many schools. A lot of schools have chairs you can actually sit on, and seem to be allocating one per child, which is completely unfeasible in the current financial climate.”

Minister furious after discovering schools spending money on pupils

As teachers and students alike enjoy their summer holidays, the Department of Education has announced a new scheme to help lay the foundations for the upcoming school year. Announcing the plans, Mr Duncan Dillon MP for Larnock Road, Kensington.

What we’re seeing far too much of in school’s these days is trying to complete tasks using resources. Going forward, with the budgets as they are, this just isn’t tenable. In today’s Britain schools can’t just expect to be carried along by so-called ‘backing’ from the taxpayers.”

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