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Alain Sheerer

Alain Sheerer has recently joined the troop as our Sports Correspondent. Someone has to do it.

Unalterable People’s Vote means homeopathy will be used to treat Heart Disease

Homeopathy to treat heart disease

It’s Homeopathy! The results are finally in, the science of woo has won the referendum. Following a hard fought, bitter, campaign that saw a lot of strong emotional appeals, Britain has today committed to inalienably altering its attempts to combat heart disease.

The Conservative MP, Lloyd Duncan, explained, “Clearly we, elected members of parliament, were unqualified to decide such a complex matter as the future of heart disease treatment in this country and so, in accordance with modern traditions, we have laid out a range of options before the people in the form of a referendum.” Continue reading “Unalterable People’s Vote means homeopathy will be used to treat Heart Disease”

Miss Marple’s MP makes daring bid to lead Brexit negotiations

Miss Marple St Mary Mead

The new MP for St Mary Mead, the fictional setting of many of Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple novels, has set out a bold new platform on which he aims to catapult himself into the heart of the ongoing Brexit negotiations.

Mr Colin Woolderson, who has held the seat since 1893, when he won it in a game of Gin Rummy, announced his plans to the Chipping Cleghorn Gazette, “I have spoken to many of my constituents and what they want is much much less murder. After that, they’d like to maybe get rid of that nosy old bag who’s always poking around. Finally, we think it’s high time we decided what kind of Brexit we want.” Continue reading “Miss Marple’s MP makes daring bid to lead Brexit negotiations”

Euro 2020 allows useless teams in but there’s still no room for Scotland

European Championships Wall Chart

In the wake of hugely productive talks over the creation of an unfathomably brilliant 48-team World Cup, allowing space for sporting giants such as Azerbaijan, Lithuania and Bhutan, plans are afoot for a further expansion of the European Championships.

UEFA press guru, Dr Darren Devine, was on hand to unveil the scheme; “In 2016 we took a crucial step forward, moving from 16 to 24 teams. It’s only logical now that we move to the next stage in our evolution – 54 teams.” Continue reading “Euro 2020 allows useless teams in but there’s still no room for Scotland”

Scotland off to a flyer as they start their exit from Euro 2020

Euro 2020 Football fan

Thursday evening saw Scottish football write yet another chapter in its long and illustrious footballing history as they kicked off their Euro 2020 Qualification Campaign away in Kazakhstan.

Despite having a squad decimated by as many as three injuries, the Scots named a (relatively) strong team for the Euro 2020 qualifier and, according to boss Alex McLeish, “started brightly”. It’s hard to argue with that contention when the match stats clearly show the away team held their hosts at a creditable 0-0 for almost six entire minutes. Continue reading “Scotland off to a flyer as they start their exit from Euro 2020”

OPTA Statistics, Are they telling the whole story?

OPTA Stats

Statistics are a commonly cited aspect of football analysis, but how much do we really know about the numbers we throw around? We got in touch with Big Dave from OPTA ’s data measuring department, to break down the stats.

One major innovation in recent years has been the advent of expected goals (XG), something Dave revealed to have a complex analytical process behind it; “If a team has an XG of 1.5, but they haven’t scored at all, then our statistical models would rate that team as ‘utter shit’. Similarly, if a team has an XG of almost zero but a total goals of exactly 1, we would rate that team as ‘Burnley’. However, if a team has an XG of 2 but they have scored 4, our statistical models would rate that team as ‘probably containing Messi’.” Continue reading “OPTA Statistics, Are they telling the whole story?”

Hitler’s Banjo Boogie Album sales fall, following TV documentary

Hitler's Banjo Boogie Album

Hitler’s Banjo Boogie Album sales fell sharply following a recently aired music documentary. Shown on the History Channel, over three days, it has led to a sharp decline in digital music sales. Outraged fans started a nationwide boycott of the World’s number one selling banjoist. An artist who performed to sell-out crowds and revolutionised Banjoism.

On Wednesday night, the History Channel aired the first part of their documentary ‘Inside the Third Reich’. Consequently, by Thursday morning music outlets were noticing a clear downward trend.  Continue reading “Hitler’s Banjo Boogie Album sales fall, following TV documentary”

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