Author: Bernard

Bernard has been with us since the beginning. Bright, funny and blessed with a sharp satirical edge are things he wish had been said about him.

Booker Prize For Fiction goes to Dominic Cummoffit

A surprise late entry wins the Booker Prize for Outstanding Piece of Fiction. The Road to Bernards Cattle, by Dom Cummoffit wasn’t originally entered into the annual contest. However, the judges felt that public interest in the book merited its entry.

A fantastic tale of incomprehensible nonsense

Covid App trial cancelled after designer’s Gran signs up to Tinder by mistake

The trial of the Contact Tracing App was cancelled after the designer’s Gran accidentally signed up to Tinder.

Mabel Napton (68) was very proud that her Grandson, Ian, designed the Government’s Covid-19 contact tracing app. As a show of support, she bought a mobile phone and downloaded the app. The sign-up process was simple, and after entering basic details and posting a picture of herself, she was good to go.  

Whose emissions were like those of horses (Ezekiel 23:20)

Police to enforce social distancing by using a British Yardstick

After confirmation from The Prime Minister that Brexit continues, the Government are reintroducing imperial measurements, starting with The British Yardstick.

Following on from countless breaches of the social distancing regulations, The Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, plans to issue all British Bobbies with a yardstick. This means The Police can ensure everyone stays at least 2 1/5th  yards away from each other.

pLEASE STAND BACK 2 1/5TH yARDS

Johnson to defeat storms by fitting the UK with double glazing

As Britain is beset by another mighty draught Boris Johnson announces plans to install double glazing.

“I was looking for an enormous building project that would allow me to leave my mark on the country, tell everyone in the world that we are serious about doing something and where I’d get to spaff enormous sums of money up the wall, it’s my favourite thing to do.” Said Boris.

For another half-arsed job call Heath Robinson

BJ’s word ban spells joy for makers of correction fluid

Following Boris Johnson’s announcement that oldthink words would now be banned, shares in correction fluid giant, Tittex, have gone through the roof.

Words that are now DoubleVerboten include; Brexit, Implementation Period, Ireland, No Deal, Partnership, No Irish Border, Money for the NHS, selling the NHS to the Americans, Nissan, spending promises, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Ireland again. Any references to these terms must now be ‘rectified’.

Welcomen
I know it’s what I said but it’s not what I meant said Boris!