never eaten peaches

Impeached Trump claims he’s never eaten peaches

The American President has finally found himself subject to impeachment proceedings. He is understandably outraged, “I’m peachy but I’ve never eaten Peaches” he claimed, before adding, “I’m more of an Orange man myself. Anyone who knows me knows how much I like sucking the juice out of a large Valencian or getting my hands on a juicy, young, Clementine.”

Democrats were suitably upset. One of the Clinton’s said, “This is outrageous, he definitely said his Maw Maw made ‘the bestest peach cobbler ever’, that ‘no-one bested her cobblers’ and he’s full of cobblers but now he’s claiming he’s never eaten peaches. There needs to be an enquiry.”

The Mystery Machine

“I’d have gotten away with it were it not for those pesky kids!” cries Boris

Circus and funhouse manager Bozo Johnson claims he would have gotten away with his dastardly plan if it hadn’t been for those pesky kids.

We had it all sorted, I’d pretended to be a ghost and made the sweet old lady think that she was helping by giving me the keys to the castle. Jacob and the rest of my gang scared everyone out of the House of Horrors. Our plan had worked perfectly, we were all set to clean up and no one knew a thing, then along came those pesky kids.”

Benefit cuts force elderly pensioners back to work

Government cuts to the pensioners income have forced some retirees back to work, just when they should be kicking back, playing golf and putting their feet up.

One plucky band are not taking this lying down. Legendary supergroup The Who have reformed in order to see if they can make enough money for a nice cup of tea, a packet of Werther’s Originals and bottle of liniment.

Government declares tomorrow’s leaked Brexit report out of date

The government has declared that tomorrow’s, as yet unpublished Brexit Report, is out of date.

The report, signed off by senior civil servants, makes it clear that a No Deal Brexit will be damaging to the UK economy and put lives at risk. Experts from all sides agreed the report was accurate ‘as far as it goes’ but that the reality will be much worse.

Jeremy says No

Jeremy Corbyn issues letter announcing his candidacy for Tory Leader

Yesterday Jeremy Corbyn issued a letter formally announcing his candidacy for the position of Tory Party Leader.

In what his supporters labelled as a cunning and daring move, Mr Corbyn has decided to enter the contest long after the winner was crowned. His fans claim he is both the master of the long game and a daring and revolutionary political genius.