Author: Bernard

Bernard has been with us since the beginning. Bright, funny and blessed with a sharp satirical edge are things he wish had been said about him.

BJ's word ban spells joy for makers of correction fluid

Following Boris Johnson’s announcement that oldthink words would now be banned, shares in correction fluid giant, Tittex, have gone through the roof.

Words that are now DoubleVerboten include; Brexit, Implementation Period, Ireland, No Deal, Partnership, No Irish Border, Money for the NHS, selling the NHS to the Americans, Nissan, spending promises, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Ireland again. Any references to these terms must now be ‘rectified’.

Welcomen
I know it’s what I said but it’s not what I meant said Boris!

Man with a slight head cold insists he is on the verge of death

Ian Napton, a perfectly healthy man, in his early thirties, insists that as he is suffering from a slight cold he’s on the verge of death.

NHS Doctor
A few days in bed will do the trick

It was horrible, I felt a bit of a sniffle and had a couple of sneezes and that was it, I was done in. Of course I immediately took to my bed, armed with nothing more than a couple of good books, my mobile, the laptop, the TV Remote and a Classic Car magazine. There was no telling how long I was going to be off my feet, I thought I was going to die.”

Man reading a porn mag
Just a little light reading, darling!
Help, I’m dying, bring soup…

Boris admits soldiers will die in Iraq but it's a sacrifice he's willing to make

Heroic Boris Johnson admits British Soldiers will die in the Middle-East but it’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make. albeit not personally.

“Be under no illusion, I am prepared to do anything Donald Trump wants me to do, be it selling contaminated food, giving him the NHS or allowing young northerners to die horribly, thousands of miles from home. It’s a sacrifice I am willing to make, in order to get a trade deal and because he’s my real daddy.”

Boris Johnson
Donald says of course he will still love me in the morning!
Bombs away!