Author: Bernard

Bernard has been with us since the beginning. Bright, funny and blessed with a sharp satirical edge are things he wish had been said about him.

With a 2-1 defeat at Man Utd, Mourinho announces that ‘He’s Back!’

Many sports fans agree that since Mourinho’s sacking by Manchester United the Premier League has been a far duller place. Whilst his appointment as the Spurs manager took the football world by surprise, many fans greeted the announcement with a gentle chuckle.

yes, my methods are mysterious and wonderous

Nigel Farage finally gets the message

Having been rejected by the British public at seven previous General Elections noted self-publicist, Nigel Farage has decided not to stand in the upcoming vote.

“I looked at it and decided, nah! I won’t bother this time. Of course I’m not worried about being rejected for the eighth time. Anyway, I’ve got more than enough work not to be getting on with, in the European Parliament. Frankly the pay, benefits and lunches are much better in Brussels.” Said Nigel.

Nigel picks up his soap box and trots off

Impeached Trump claims he’s never eaten peaches

The American President has finally found himself subject to impeachment proceedings. He is understandably outraged, “I’m peachy but I’ve never eaten Peaches” he claimed, before adding, “I’m more of an Orange man myself. Anyone who knows me knows how much I like sucking the juice out of a large Valencian or getting my hands on a juicy, young, Clementine.”

Democrats were suitably upset. One of the Clinton’s said, “This is outrageous, he definitely said his Maw Maw made ‘the bestest peach cobbler ever’, that ‘no-one bested her cobblers’ and he’s full of cobblers but now he’s claiming he’s never eaten peaches. There needs to be an enquiry.”

I don’t eat peaches claims President

“I’d have gotten away with it were it not for those pesky kids!” cries Boris

Circus and funhouse manager Bozo Johnson claims he would have gotten away with his dastardly plan if it hadn’t been for those pesky kids.

We had it all sorted, I’d pretended to be a ghost and made the sweet old lady think that she was helping by giving me the keys to the castle. Jacob and the rest of my gang scared everyone out of the House of Horrors. Our plan had worked perfectly, we were all set to clean up and no one knew a thing, then along came those pesky kids.”

I’ll Get you!