Author Archives

identicon

Binty

Britannia Updates her Facebook Relationship status to ‘It’s Complicated’

After a rather difficult weekend, Britannia has updated her Facebook relationship status to, ‘It’s Complicated’.

As the on/off relationship with her sexy European Pen-Pal, Jean-Claude Schmidt, comes to an inglorious and messy end, Britannia has gone on one disastrous date after another.  Continue reading “Britannia Updates her Facebook Relationship status to ‘It’s Complicated’”

Following the abysmal performance of the England Cricket Team, in the West Indies, Theresa May has cancelled their right to return under Operation Winless

Keen cricket fan, Theresa May, was so disgusted at the performance of the England Team, following their thrashing on their West Indies tour, that she has cancelled their right to return.

A government spokesperson, Ian Napton, explained, “She got the idea from Operation Windrush, where we deported British Citizens to the West Indies. In this case she thought we could save on the cost of flying them out there, if we just stopped them from returning.” 
Continue reading “Following the abysmal performance of the England Cricket Team, in the West Indies, Theresa May has cancelled their right to return under Operation Winless”

The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay has gone missing. Please search garden sheds, outbuildings and anywhere a vulnerable MP can build a den. Let’s get him home.

An urgent appeal has been launched across to try and find missing Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay.

He was last seen entering 10 Downing Street on 16th of November, 2018. After a short press conference where his appointment, as Brexit Secretary, was announced, he left the building and has not been seen or heard from since. Continue reading “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay has gone missing. Please search garden sheds, outbuildings and anywhere a vulnerable MP can build a den. Let’s get him home.”

Bank hit by a ‘Technical’ glitch after a customer tries to withdraw their own money

Lloyds Bank suffered yet another embarrassing technical glitch, after Ian Napton attempted to draw his own money out of his account.

He requested £80, the transaction appeared to be proceeding as normal when the ATM asked “Are you sure?” He hit, “Yes“.

The machine said, “We’ve seen your statement, you’ll only waste it. Are you sure you want to do that?“. Again, he responded, “Yes”. Continue reading “Bank hit by a ‘Technical’ glitch after a customer tries to withdraw their own money”

Decoded radio signals from across the Galaxy reveal Aliens hidden message, “Brexit, ffs, will you just get on with it”

Scientists have picked up mysterious radio signals from across the other side of the galaxy. Using some pretty sophisticated software, cryptographers from The Dan Brown Academy, working with top astrophysicists, have decoded the message.

It reads, “Dear Humanity, we’re sick to the back teeth of Brexit, either leave or stay but stop dragging it out, ffs just get on with it.” Continue reading “Decoded radio signals from across the Galaxy reveal Aliens hidden message, “Brexit, ffs, will you just get on with it””

Couple’s rejuvenated sex-life ruined when their son comes home from university

Ian and Gillian Napton were devastated when their son, Oliver, came home from University for the Xmas holidays.

When their pride and joy left the nest, for a three year degree course in Livestock Management at Aberystwyth University, they were naturally disappointed. However, their sadness was short lived once they discovered the joy of having an empty house. Continue reading “Couple’s rejuvenated sex-life ruined when their son comes home from university”

The Chatty Chimp is owned and operated by Chattychimp Ltd