Author: Binty

Department Store accidently hires Satan for this year’s Christmas Grotto

Due to an unfortunate spelling error, Harrods has accidently hired Satan, Lord of Evil, Devourer of Worlds and Harvester of Souls to dish out the Christmas presents to all the little children and to put the grot into grotto.

Santa
Hey Santa!

Unfortunately the mistake happened when a dyslexic intern was charged with booking Santa and his little helpers. When the agency returned the contracts, she didn’t realise they’d mis-spelled Santa, and they’d contractually booked Satan. 

Pass me a pitchfork, this one needs turning over

Parliament’s Saturday session contravenes the EU Working Time Directive

Parliament’s Saturday Session has been cancelled as it contravenes the EU Working Time Directive.

Boris Johnson’ Saturday session of the House of Commons has been cancelled. Consequently, The Speaker confirmed that the proposed session would put MPs in breach of the EU Working Time Directive, so couldn’t go ahead.

Work? On a Saturday? Are you mad?

Mums rejoice and teachers despair as the new term begins

The country’s mums raise a glass in cheer as the nation’s children return to school.

Thank Christ for that!” said Gillian Napton, “It’s been torture, 6 weeks of trying to keep the little bastards amused. The only respite was 2 weeks in Torremolinos and that seems ages ago. Every time I thought it couldn’t get any worse, their friends would turn up for a sleep over. Why were my 2 never invited anywhere?”.

Sit down and be quiet!

Dominic Raabid claims he told his imaginary friend about No-Deal risks before 2016

Dominic Raabid claims he told his imaginary friend, Harvey Napton, about the risks of a no-deal prior to the 2016 referendum. He further asserts that he made it quite clear there was a real risk of leaving the EU with No-Deal and that this would be a good thing. What’s more he told him this on multiple occasions.

Harvey issued a statement denying these claims.

If I go I am not coming back!