The Axe Man Awaits

‘Awf with his head’ cries The Queen

Boris Johnson has been denounced “a cad and a scoundrel” by senior members of the Royal Household after he was found to have told fibs to Her Majesty The Queen. Big ones, too, the rotter.

Not letting his advancing years stop him in his tracks, the Duke of Edinburgh, arms firmly behind his back, angrily told Chatty, “He’s a bounder, a boor, he’s a lousy stinker. He’ll receive an audience again only when he presents his resignation. The weasel. He’s a complete oaf, you know.”

Plans underway to find a suitable ditch for Boris Johnson

Planning is underway to honour Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s wish to be “dead in a ditch” in the event that the UK does not leave the European Union on 31 October.

“Any responsible government plans for each possible outcome. That’s why we planned for a No Deal Brexit, although, on reflection, maybe somebody other than Michael Gove could have been involved in that,” said a spokesman for Number 10.

Jo Johnson has resigned the Johnson family whip

In what’s thought to be the first move of its kind, Jo Johnson told us, “I no longer find it conscionable to be the brother of Boris Johnson, and with regret, I have resigned from the position. I shall continue in my role as brother to Rachel.”

A spokesman for the Prime Minister insisted that personal matters do not impact on the running of the government and that his multiple marital infidelities, careless accounting and inability to disclose all relevant interests to the proper authorities did not make him unfit for office.

Stop making sh*t up

“I’m Not Boris” says his election opponent

Political opponents of Boris Johnson have taken lessons from the Prime Minister himself and decided it’s no longer necessary to be fair, transparent or truthful.

In the knowledge that at the last General Election, Johnson coasted home in his Uxbridge and South Ruislip constituency with more votes than all of the other candidates combined, the other parties have decided that this can’t be allowed to happen again and that it would be particularly delicious if the Old Etonian lost his seat altogether next time. To facilitate this, they have decided to run just one independent candidate against him on an “I’m not Boris” ticket. The lucky fellow is Ian Napton and he will enjoy the support of everybody who isn’t a brainwashed Tory.

The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (The: school/shopping centre/church/hospital/community centre) in (state/town/city)

Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting(s) at (insert location/s)

Billy Bob Williams, on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person who would’ve done it anyway, responsible. And he was probably (insert specific non-white ethnicity, gender or sexuality), wasn’t he?