Following their 5-0 win at West Ham on the opening day of the new football season, Manchester City have been crowned 2019/20 Champions.
“There’s no point in calling it a competition,” a spokesman for the FA told us. “We don’t see the point in putting everyone through the charade of another 37 games before presenting the trophy. They can have it now.”
Not like Scottish football, honestly!
Britain’s newest and most up-and-coming magician is wowing them in the Shires and Backbenches. Not since the legendary Paul Daniels had Britain seen a trick like this one.
Known as Saj The Maj, he’s magically finding money for everyone, so his act is terribly popular. “Old magic doesn’t set pulses racing any more,” he told us. “Sleight of hand has been seen through. It’s just basic dishonesty when you strip the Manifesto policy wordings away, and people want more. Previous magicians have exhausted the old ‘pulling a rabbit out of a hat’ routine, too, so I needed something new. I looked at this old tree in the garden at the back of my new house and thought, hmm, a money tree. The previous bloke who lived here talked a lot about money tree policy, and now I understand what he was on about. I’ve built my act around it.”
Roll Up! Roll Up!
Michael Gove’s No Deal preparations received a shot in the arm today when a practice power cut succeeded right across the country.
Railway stations, roads and other essential public services were plunged into sudden chaos when the switch was flicked. “It’s important that we run these drills,” a spokesman for the Minister said. “The Cabinet has agreed to a series of practice emergency situations so that the public are accustomed to things not quite going to plan.”
Brexit COntinues
Michael Gove, the Minister responsible for Brexit No Deal planning, has expressed surprise that the EU27 don’t feel they should give in to British demands and serve up a withdrawal agreement which entirely suits Britain without regard for anybody else.
“There might be 27 of them, but do they know who we are? Do they realise who they are dealing with here? We’re plucky Brits. We won the War, you know. We’ve got Boris in Downing Street now and fully 0.14% of the population voted to put him there.”
Ciao, Arrivederci, Adios and Goodbye
A plucky British would-be entrepreneur believes he is on to something which will see him able to lend Bill Gates a few quid.
Ian Napton, an ordinary bloke, told us, “I was at Gatwick waiting to board a British Airways flight when they announced their computer systems were down and I couldn’t check in. It reminded me of when I couldn’t renew my passport because their systems were down. I thought back to when the world wasn’t dominated by computers and everything worked more or less correctly, allowing for a bit of human incompetence, without the enormous costs associated with all the technology and the IT Support people, who just tell you to switch your machine off and on again. Then it dawned on me. There’s a business to be built around pens and pads.”
Up, Up and Away!
Here at Chatty, there’s nothing we like better than live entertainment, and especially live comedy, so we’re really excited now that the Edinburgh Festival is on. We can look forward to comedians we know and have seen before and plenty of others we haven’t.
Performers have poured blood, sweat, tears and cash into taking their shows to Edinburgh, and all without absolute assurance that sufficient tickets will be sold to recover their outlay. Financially, it’s a risky business.
Down, Down, DEEPER ON DOWN!
