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St Bastard’s Comprehensive closed when Religious Studies students attempted to re-enact the Crucifixion

St Bastards crucifixion

St Bastard’s Comprehensive in Whitchurch, Shropshire, faced emergency closure today after Religious Studies students attempted to re-enact the Crucifixion as a part of their coursework.

Ian Napton, the tutor, found himself being hoisted up on to a cross brought specially into class by two of the stronger boys. “At first, I played along, but when I saw the little bastards had real nails, I screamed ‘Jesus Christ!’ at the top of my voice. Fortunately, Miss Minors, the History teacher in the classroom next door intervened, for which I am eternally grateful, although I could have done without her telling the class that my lessons are fictional while hers are factually proven.”

The class had enlisted the help of their friends in Woodwork to build the cross. “We sit through this shit twice a week,” complained student Jayden Goodchild. “We wanted to see if the stories have any substance to them.

A spokesman for the Board of Governors played down the incident. “This morning’s incident has been overstated in much the same way that last week’s collaboration between Chemistry and History students seeking to recreate Nazi gas chambers was. St Bastard’s prides itself on bringing history to life.”

Keep Calm and Remain In

Fetherlite Elite

Controversy is surging through the Department of Education today as the vexed subject of sex education raises its head again.

Addressing Britain’s poor record on teenage pregnancies is a priority for the new Education Minister, Dr Ian Napton. “Have you been to Burnley lately and seen the number of young women pushing buggies? It’s unacceptable, and it’s costing the country a fortune in social housing. It’s very easy to control fertility, so we have to educate our young people.
Continue reading “Keep Calm and Remain In”

Delay to Brexit allow’s politicians to have their summer holiday in peace

Delay means holiday in Provence
The latest Brexit delay finally produces something our politicians can agree on, six weeks in Provence during the summer is eminently agreeable.
Members of the ERG, moderate Tories, Lib Dems, the Scottish lot and even The Speaker rushed online in the middle of the night to secure their preferred gite and ferry crossings as the Brexit deadline was extended to 31 October. Labour members booked their usual week in Scarborough.

Continue reading “Delay to Brexit allow’s politicians to have their summer holiday in peace”

Petition to replace with Theresa May with NZ PM, Jacinda Arden, tops 20 Million signatures

Jacinda Ardern appeal

Following the record-breaking success of last week’s petition to the Government to revoke Article 50, the petitions website has crashed again.

Petitioner Ian Napton said, “I was caught up in the euphoria of so many millions of people venting against Brexit and thought I’d start a petition of my own.”

Continue reading “Petition to replace with Theresa May with NZ PM, Jacinda Arden, tops 20 Million signatures”

The Conservative Party gives itself indefinite leave to remain in power

Conservative Party Leader

The Government, has announced that it can never be replaced. Propped up by The DUP, The Conservative Party will have an indefinite crack at running the country.

Ian Napton, a Tory spokesman, speaking from Central Office, said, “Voting again at a future General Election would be undemocratic and destroy the country’s faith in politics. The people voted at a General Election in 2017 for these Members of Parliament and to do anything to try to change that would be to go against the will of the people. They’d never forgive us.” Continue reading “The Conservative Party gives itself indefinite leave to remain in power”

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