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Wild Gerald

Gerald has been running around the country, flinging poo, for many years. He is no longer wild, merely slightly annoyed.

Bristol is crowned the cocaine capital of Europe

Bristol Man snorting cocaine from an I Pad

Amazingly, Bristol has beaten off stiff competition from Paris, Amsterdam, Frankfurt and Rome to be crowned: The Cocaine Capital of Europe.

Competition judges toured Europe, before declaring Bristol the winner.  The Italian Judge, Gianni Napatone, explained, “We ranked each city on: supply, purity, price and the likelihood of getting busted. Bristol came out top in all categories. Continue reading “Bristol is crowned the cocaine capital of Europe”

As the Prime Minister fails Geography, we publish a handy study aid; Can you tell your Bath from your Salisbury?

Theresa May fails Geograph

It’s been a year since the Novichok attack on two Russians in the Wiltshire town of Salisbury. In a vain attempt to generate some favourable non-Brexit publicity, Theresa May decided to pay the poor residents of Salisbury a consoling visit.  

Unfortunately for the Gaffer-in-Chief, arrival photographs posted on Social Media, were pictures of Bath, some 40 miles away. It was almost as though the Prime Minister of The UK wasn’t uploading her own selfies, adding comments as she went along. Continue reading “As the Prime Minister fails Geography, we publish a handy study aid; Can you tell your Bath from your Salisbury?”

Chelsea’s use of Theresa May as goal keeping coach, spectacularly back-fires in The League Cup Final

Kapa is kaput

Maurizio Sarri, famous for his unusual methods, may have gone a step too far, with the appointment of British Prime Minister, Theresa May as Chelsea’s goal keeping coach. 

Having signed Kepa Arrizabalaga for a world record fee, Sarri was keen to develop the mental side of the young keeper’s game.
Continue reading “Chelsea’s use of Theresa May as goal keeping coach, spectacularly back-fires in The League Cup Final”

As the Brexapocalypse looms everyone is claiming an Irish passport

Guinness being slowly poured

As the Brexapocalypse looms, applications for an Irish Passport have reached record levels. Wealthy Brits see it as a form of insurance against leaving the EU.

Irish Government spokesman, Rory Napton said, “We’re knocking passports out at £2,000 a pop to anyone who wants one, it’s a great money-spinner.” Continue reading “As the Brexapocalypse looms everyone is claiming an Irish passport”

Speeding Audi driver uses the two minutes saved on his drive home to discover a cure for cancer

Like many drivers of German cars, Ian Napton considers the road network to be his own personal playground. He regularly exceeds the  speed limit, cut people up at roundabouts, pointlessly switches lanes in traffic jams, drive two feet behind the car in front, bang his horn relentlessly and jumps through traffic lights. 

It was to shave precious seconds from his journey that he purchased a car with a top speed of 180 mph, despite speed limits of 70 mph or lower. Continue reading “Speeding Audi driver uses the two minutes saved on his drive home to discover a cure for cancer”

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