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Wild Gerald

Gerald has been running around the country, flinging poo, for many years. He is no longer wild, merely slightly annoyed.

The Devil adds an eternal, unresolvable, Brexit to the punishments of Hell

Satan, host to The Damned and deliverer of The Eternal Punishments has come up with a new, and terrifying, circle of Hell, The Brexitarium.

Hades spokesman, Ian Napton, explained, “Satan has spent the last couple of years watching the British people slowly, and irretrievably, sinking further and further into despair as the endless Brexit debate has gone on. He feels that an eternity of listening to an unresolvable Brexit, would be a fitting torture for the souls of the damned.” Continue reading “The Devil adds an eternal, unresolvable, Brexit to the punishments of Hell”

Bin man distresses middle-class shoppers by sneaking into Waitrose

Ian Napton, a Bin Man from Hastings managed to sneak into his local Waitrose, much to the shock of regular customers.

Waitrose Spokesman, Neil Jackson, said, “We would like to apologise to all our customers for the presence of an unskilled manual worker, in the store. We understand that some shoppers were disturbed by the experience. We would like reassure our customers that we have increased security and don’t expect a repetition of this distressing behaviour.” Continue reading “Bin man distresses middle-class shoppers by sneaking into Waitrose”

Gwyneth and her company, Gloop, win The Nobel Prize for sciencing

The world of science and academia was stunned when the Nobel Prize for sciencing was awarded to Gwyneth Paltrow and her company, Gloop. The prize was awarded for their improvements to the scientific process, by making stuff up and not testing it to see if it works.

Many in sciencing thought the prize would go to someone who actually practiced scientific methodology, contributed to the greater good, and added to humanity’s body of knowledge. Continue reading “Gwyneth and her company, Gloop, win The Nobel Prize for sciencing”

Finally, the long awaited return of the nations favourite game show, ‘I’m a Conservative, Somebody Get Me Out of Here’

This week sees the return of the much loved game show, I’m a Conservative, Somebody Get Me Out of Here.

The new season sees a thrilling new format, presaged by a series of preliminary heats which saw 8 Conservatives leave the camp ahead of the live final. Some contestants were clearly unhappy about leaving early, especially as they’re having to get by on a newspaper columnists salary, of £275,000 a year. Continue reading “Finally, the long awaited return of the nations favourite game show, ‘I’m a Conservative, Somebody Get Me Out of Here’”

Department of Health launches D-I-Y Home Operation Kits

Matt Hancock, Secretary of State for Health, has announced that the British People need to take responsibility for their own health, as the burden on the National Health Service  is too great and needs reducing, before it’s sold off to The Americans.

With this in mind the DoH have released a series of App based D-I-Y Home Operation kits, which will allow hard working families to take full responsibility for their health, their treatment and their clinical outcomes. Continue reading “Department of Health launches D-I-Y Home Operation Kits”

Aryan Air in a social media race row after they asked a black man to leave the plane

There was uproar on the Aryan Air flight, from Gatwick to Dublin, when Barry Gammon (54) found himself sitting next to Obi Okeke (36) from Streatham. A very public row broke out when Mr Gammon refused to sit next to Mr Okeke,  shouting,’ I’m not sitting next to a darkie. Its disgusting, I fly with Aryan Air so I don’t have too. If he sits next to me I’m gonna hit him.” Continue reading “Aryan Air in a social media race row after they asked a black man to leave the plane”

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