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Wild Gerald

Gerald has been running around the country, flinging poo, for many years. He is no longer wild, merely slightly annoyed.

Speeding Audi driver uses the two minutes saved on his drive home to discover a cure for cancer

Like many drivers of German cars, Ian Napton considers the road network to be his own personal playground. He regularly exceeds the  speed limit, cut people up at roundabouts, pointlessly switches lanes in traffic jams, drive two feet behind the car in front, bang his horn relentlessly and jumps through traffic lights. 

It was to shave precious seconds from his journey that he purchased a car with a top speed of 180 mph, despite speed limits of 70 mph or lower. Continue reading “Speeding Audi driver uses the two minutes saved on his drive home to discover a cure for cancer”

Police bring in Inspector Clouseau to assist with the investigation into fraud at Patisserie Valerie

Upmarket tea and cake shop, Patisserie Valerie, has recently fallen into Administration, when some donut realised there was £40 million pounds missing from the bank account.

Chief Inspector Ian Napton, explained, “Although Patisserie Valerie are a British Company, they’ve a French name so we thought it would be a good idea to bring in continental thinking to help us work out who has had their finger in the pie.” Continue reading “Police bring in Inspector Clouseau to assist with the investigation into fraud at Patisserie Valerie”

Social services are delighted after hearing that Russell Brand doesn’t bother looking after his children

The Department of Social Services have made a statement about Russell Brand and his child rearing practices. This is in response to the media coverage of an interview Russell gave, where he admitted he doesn’t look after his children.

Gavin Williams, spokesperson for the Department, explained, “We are quite delighted. We were concerned that the children were at real risk of long term psychological damage if left in the care of Mr Brand but now we know he has not been alone with them for more than a couple of hours at a time, we are sure they will be ok.” Continue reading “Social services are delighted after hearing that Russell Brand doesn’t bother looking after his children”

P&O relocate to Cyprus after finding out the Chris Grayling will be in charge of cross channel ferry services

P&O have announced that they will be registering their cross channel ferries under a Cypriot Flag of Convenience.

They’ve decided to change fleet registration after finding out that Chris Grayling, Minister for Transport, will have responsibility for Cross Channel ferry services once Britain leaves the EU, on 29 March 2019.  Continue reading “P&O relocate to Cyprus after finding out the Chris Grayling will be in charge of cross channel ferry services”

Southern Rail running a reduced service as some winter snow has fallen in the north of Scotland

Southern Rail says it has been forced to cancel some existing services and delay some trains due the unforeseen winter snow falling in the North of Scotland.

Ian Napton, a spokesperson for Southern Rail explained, “I know it seems unlikely, but the sudden and unexpected snow in the North of Scotland causes tremors in the rail network web, these ripples cast out like ripples in a pond, and eventually leading to disruption to train services in the far south of the country.” Continue reading “Southern Rail running a reduced service as some winter snow has fallen in the north of Scotland”

They say ‘There’s someone out there, for everyone’, in Gillian Napton’s case it was Boris Johnson

Britain's Kennedy, Bozo Johnson dies

They say that there is someone out there for everyone and for most people that’s true. However disaster struck Gillian Napton, when it turned out the one for her was Boris Johnson.

A grieving Gillian explained, “I had just suffered a traumatic break up of yet another relationship and was at a very low point, when my friend, Christine, tried to comfort me by telling me, “Don’t worry, there is that special someone out there for everyone, including you.” I didn’t give it a lot of thought at the time, it’s just one of things people say. I said thank you and we opened another bottle of wine.”  Continue reading “They say ‘There’s someone out there, for everyone’, in Gillian Napton’s case it was Boris Johnson”

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