Have you been mis-sold a Brexit? You may have a claim!

Have you spent countless hours in pointless Brexit debates? Did your friends and relatives desert you? How come you managed to enrage complete strangers with, or without provocation? Were you injured or distressed as a result of arguing about something you only had half the facts for? Admit it, you typed messages in BLOCK CAPITALS, didn’t you?

Are your friends as sick of Brexit as you are? Did you vote Brexit and not really expect anything to change? Or, Did you vote remain and spend the last three years toting about an over-inflated sense of educational and moral superiority?

Donald Trump to buy the Isle of Wight

As part of a dynamic, free trading post Brexit world the UK government has decided to seize on Donald Trump’s love of islands by offering to sell him the Isle of Wight

The President recently tried to buy Greenland but was rebuffed. Knowing that he had cash to burn the burghers of Whitehall decided they could help restore the government finances by selling the island to the USA.

Emergency Avocados

UN send emergency aid to Edinburgh as supplies of Avocado, Quinoa and Hummus reach critical levels

As the Edinburgh Festival kicks off, supplies of Avocado, Quinoa and Hummus have reached drastically low levels, with many restaurants having their entire menu wiped out. One restaurant was forced to close by 11.30 in the morning after smashing their last avocado.

The problem was caused by the sudden influx of Middle Englanders. Stranded North of the Border and miles from the nearest Waitrose, desperate families rushed to Stockbridge restaurants only to find the doors locked. Gilly Giles said “I don’t know what we are going to do. If Giles doesn’t get his poached duck egg and smashed av on sourdough he’s grumpy all day.”

Bozo at the fringe

Bozo Johnson gets One-Star review from The Scotsmen at Fringe Festival

In Edinburgh, at the World’s largest comedy festival, ‘Bozo’ Johnson gets a one star review from The Scotsmen.

His agent said, “Obviously we’re disappointed that Bozo’s clown show wasn’t better recieved. We put almost no work into preparing for the festival and we’re gutted that the reviewers didn’t acknowledge the complete lack of effort.”