Author Archives

identicon

Joe The Greek

Joe The Greek is a man of many words and considerable girth. Never shy when it comes to the bar and buffet table.

America asks The Queen to have her back

The Queen

Following a steady decline in the state of the United States, Democrats and Republicans have approached Queen Elizabeth asking her to take America back.

Concerned that America’s become a global laughing stock and appalled at the evermore erratic behaviour of their President, The Yanks want The Queen to run things again. Having watched The Crown on Netflix, Americans feel that Lizzie will bring a bit of decorum, decency and self-respect to the troubled nation. At least Her Majesty won’t be a national embarrassment every time she opens her mouth.

One suggests you read this!

Harry and Meg’s kitchen makeover comes in at £2.4 million

Kitchen makeover

Harry and Meg’s kitchen makeover comes in at £2.4 million after Chris Grayling oversees the installation

Royal sycophants at the BBC and Daily Mail were left trying to justify why the Golden Couple can spend £2.4 million of tax-payers money on the renovation of their private residence, Frogmore Cottage.

However, their problems were solved after it emerged that the kitchen makeover project was given to Chris Grayling to handle.

It’s Chris Grayling, what did you expect?

Desperate Migrants hauled from The Channel and returned to Birmingham

Catch that migrant, catch him now

More Migrants have been caught in the middle of the English Channel and have been returned to Birmingham

Today a joint operation between the Police and the Border Force captured three boats full of migrants desperate to flee the UK. The families were taken back to shore, where they were placed in police custody. They are expected to be returned to their homes, in Birmingham sometime tomorrow. Continue reading “Desperate Migrants hauled from The Channel and returned to Birmingham”

DWP Punishments revised to include lines, fagging and giving up teddy

Punishment with lines and a cap

The Government are to soften their hard-line punishment of benefit claimants.

Benefit claimants faced serious financial penalties for minor infractions of the system. This led to people calling the Government some very nasty names. Stung by this criticism, and faced with a General Election, the cabinet have decided to relax the rules. Continue reading “DWP Punishments revised to include lines, fagging and giving up teddy”

A handy template for Boris Johnson’s next Public Apology

An apology from Boris

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make a public apology. 

Regretfully, I have to announce that someone has discovered I’ve been a naughty boy.

On this occasion I’d like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/  my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends spouses/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife. Continue reading “A handy template for Boris Johnson’s next Public Apology”

Neanderthal declared fit to work by ATOS

Neanderthal Skeleton undergoing an ATOS interview

Neanderthal, Jan Naptonmann, was declared fit for work after ATOS undertook an ‘At Home’ inspection of the 150,000  year old, Welsh resident.

Although, the DWP acknowledge his wide range of health problems, they say they aren’t a barrier to him getting a job. The Inspector feels withdrawing benefits would give Jan the motivation he needs to find employment. Continue reading “Neanderthal declared fit to work by ATOS”

The Chatty Chimp is owned and operated by Chattychimp Ltd