The Government are to soften their hard-line punishment of benefit claimants.
Benefit claimants faced serious financial penalties for minor infractions of the system. This led to people calling the Government some very nasty names. Stung by this criticism, and faced with a General Election, the cabinet have decided to relax the rules. Continue reading “DWP Punishments revised to include lines, fagging and giving up teddy”
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make a public apology.
Regretfully, I have to announce that someone has discovered I’ve been a naughty boy.
On this occasion I’d like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/ my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends spouses/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife. Continue reading “A handy template for Boris Johnson’s next Public Apology”
Neanderthal, Jan Naptonmann, was declared fit for work after ATOS undertook an ‘At Home’ inspection of the 150,000 year old, Welsh resident.
Although, the DWP acknowledge his wide range of health problems, they say they aren’t a barrier to him getting a job. The Inspector feels withdrawing benefits would give Jan the motivation he needs to find employment. Continue reading “Neanderthal declared fit to work by ATOS”
North Korea went to the polls to elect a new leader. In a surprise result, the people elected the only candidate, Kim Jong-Un, as Supreme Leader.
His win was emphatic, with Kim receiving 200% of the popular vote, a new record. Continue reading “North Korea elects only voter as Supreme Leader in democratic elections”
A bunch of American lawyers looking for the next cash cow, found a study linking the use of talcum powder to an increased risk of cancer. This has resulted in several class action lawsuits, in the states, as cocaine users sue their dealers.
Meanwhile, British cocaine dealers have become paranoid and gone into a highly agitated tailspin, after it transpired that they may, also, face liability for failing to disclose cancer risks. This means customers were unable to make an informed choice.
Continue reading “Cocaine users sue dealers after scientists find talc has a cancer risk”
It’s believed the Russian President, Mr Vladimir Putin, is regretting signing a deliver and supply contract with BT Broadband, for the Internet.
Problems began when the Internet started playing up and stopped showing him; funny videos about cute animals, movies starring big muscly oiled men in tight jeans fixing household appliances or pictures of food and drink. He was also unable to log into his favourite influencer’s account; Sophie from Milton Keynes was doing a special on how to blag luxury hotel rooms by offering free blow jobs. Continue reading “BT Broadband Helpline tells Mr Putin to unplug the internet and plug it back in again to see if that fixes it”