Pest control experts have been drafted into a Highgate primary school, following reports of a ‘virulent head lice infestation.’
Parents were forced to take these unusual measures after one couple ‘refused to massacre the innocent creatures’, who had ‘developed a proficient ecosystem’ on their daughter’s head.
Every living thing is sacred!
A leading travel company, have launched a ‘unique middle-class pilgrimage package’, in order to assuage ‘uncomfortable feelings of abundance, in the climate of austerity.’
Inspired by Britpop artist Jarvis Cocker, the ‘Common People Excursion’, offers tangible experiences of ‘poverty shopping’, where ‘class tourists’ attempt to buy a week’s groceries for four with £30, learn to pack fifty items per minute in non-tote bags and queue for half an hour to park their SUVs in tiny parking bays.
You could live like this but who would want to?
A period of mourning has begun, for a middle-aged, South London woman’s dress sense.
Style experts decreed, that the ‘final loss of fashion pulse’, was recorded at three o’clock GMT, when the victim entered Clarkes shoe shop.
I can’t believe that it has come to this!
A spokesperson for the Sun defended their decision to publish a brutally insensitive article, relating to England cricket star Ben Stokes, on the basis that it was ‘in the national interest.’
Continuing the diatribe, they announced, ‘We are all a little bit sick of Brexit, so in the absence of a good child abduction story, or the Queen snuffing it, we thought we’d give the public a hearty tragedy to get stuck into it.’
Don’t Be A Jeremy!
A record number of call outs to the London Fire Brigade, has sparked an urgent investigation.
After an epic volume of incidents, where victims became trapped in their wardrobes, ‘heat stroke and confusion’, were thought to be the prime suspects.
On closer inspection however, it became evident that the casualties were in fact, ‘attempting to escape to Narnia.’
Come on in!