With mental health issues reaching a record high, the government have introduced a revolutionary ‘self-checkout system’.
Aimed at quelling the mental health crisis, self-checkouts will be trialled at supermarkets, bridges and train stations. Sponsored by Dignitas, each unit encourages sufferers to input their symptoms, then wait for automated feedback. Continue reading “Mental Health Self Checking System to replace Doctors”
Contention in a Camberwell cafe escalated, when a thirty-something confessed that she had ‘absolutely zero desire’ to propagate the planet.
Speaking passionately amongst shocked peers and their offspring, Olivia Napton disclosed, ‘the only clock ticking in my body, is the one which is synchronised with last orders at the bar.’ Continue reading “Me? Have kids? You must be f**king joking”
Bewildered marriage guidance counsellors, were forced to return customer’s money, admitting that men and women really are from different planets.
With the ‘new man’ allegedly stepping up to the plate, psychologists initially aspired to bridge the chasm in marital communication. Researching how each sex felt their emotional needs were best met, psychologists quickly found a raging gulf between view points.
Continue reading “As psychologists prove men and women are not meant to live together, Marriage Guidance counsellors offer a full refund”
School staff were left speechless, when they discovered that one of their pupils had completed their half term project independently.
Unsure how to respond appropriately, teachers were initially cautious, at this bizarre turn of events. Mother of three, Gillian Napton, broke the silence by confessing, ‘Look, I know it’s a pile of shite but it will have to do. My sanity is in shreds and my ears are bleeding, from having to tame these feral beasts for a week.’ Continue reading “Consternation in the classroom as a child completes their half-term project, unaided”
Indignation spread across the artisan market community, when a crudely worded complaint was propagated on social media.
Tourist Trevor Manley, who can only be described as ‘northern’, felt that his visit to Borough Market was ‘poor value for money.’
Feeling ‘misunderstood and undervalued for their quintessential craft-personship’, stall holders responded bitterly, by suggesting that Manley had not appreciated the market’s ‘exemplary ambience’. Continue reading “After a northerner slags off Borough Market the locals suggests he sticks to Wetherspoons as ‘he will feel more at home there’”
Scientists have unveiled an algorithm relating to men, which plots the converse law of need, verses availability, in times of urgency.
Dubbed the McPhee paper, extensive research into male behaviour patterns, suggested that the greater the severity of the family crisis, the least likely they are to be contactable. Continue reading “Scientists prove that when mummy needs some help around the house, daddy’s bound to have buggered off again”