With our longed-for, glorious Brexit finally approaching, why not celebrate in style with Chimptours’ exclusive Brexcruise? Join 28,000 other inane bigots on the slightly converted waste processing steamer HMS Albion as we tour the garlic-smelling edges our newly-hostile neighbours.
In an act of political sophistication unrivalled since Machiavelli, the British Prime Minister had his fingers crossed when he posted his unsigned letter of application for an extension to Article 50.
“Well, it worked for my marriages, and pretty much every other solemn promise I ever made,” said Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, who was severely bullied for being the biggest wanker in the class – an achievement in its own right at Eton.
University Challenge has declared ‘Jeremy Corbyn’ as ineligible as an answer to any legitimate question, arsey host Jeremy Paxman has declared.
“Nothing has stumped us in almost sixty years, but this time we’ve met our match,” Paxman said. “You’d have thought it was easy, what with the country being run by a sock puppet with Dominic ‘Lurch’ Cummings’ hand up his arse. But even the question ‘Is Corbyn better than Johnson?’ proved unanswerable – a bit like deciding which Strictly competitor you hate the most.”
Murdered Labour MP Jo Cox is fine with Boris Johnson’s claim that the best way to honour her memory would be to “get on and deliver Brexit,” a spiritual medium has said.
“Granted, Jo was a staunch remainer when she was alive, but the afterlife has changed all that and now there’s nothing she wants more than to see Britain dragged out of the EU by a grotesque egomaniac who thinks he’s the Incredible Hulk,” spiritualist Penelope Hurst said.