The fire at Notre Dame cathedral would have engulfed the whole of Paris if it hadn’t been for the millions of prayers offered up to God, says the leading Catholic deity.
Hundreds of firefighters who risked life and limb throughout the night to douse the flames will be relieved to know that their efforts were pointless, as he could have extinguished the fire any time he liked, said God at a post-conflagration press conference. “Yeah that was definitely me,” he said. “The angels said they were getting all these prayers asking me to stop the fire destroying one of my houses, so I took immediate action and put the blaze out about eight hours later. I could have razed the city to the ground if I’d felt like it, but I guess I’m just munificent like that.” Continue reading “Prayers not water put out Notre Dame fire, says God”
The enormous cloud of anger, ignorance and intransigence emitted by the people of Britain has taken human form and called itself Mark Francois.
No record can be found of the creature’s existence before the country’s Brexit mania peaked at the beginning of this year, leading experts to believe the homunculus has been conjured up by mass psychosis. Continue reading “Britain’s national psychosis manifests as Mark Francois”
The brutal genocide of one’s enemies should not be taken off the negotiating table, say both left and right wing Brexit activists, after months of shouting at each other on Twitter have failed to break the deadlock.
Pretend communist Socialist Kevin Hard MP tells The Chimp: “We’ve tried abuse, scorn, misrepresentation and fake outrage, but those alt-right bastards haven’t budged an inch despite all our efforts. They just get more stubborn the more shit we throw at them.” Continue reading “Both sides in Brexit debate “not ruling out” genocide”
A new self-help group has been set up to help middle aged men through the trauma of admitting they have outgrown their trousers.
38 & Proud provides a safe haven for those who struggle from Belly Blindness, a disease of the ego which convinces the sufferer that their stomach is the same size as it was at school. Continue reading “Support group helps men transition to 38” waistband”
The author of two bestselling self-help books has said his own readers are to blame for a decline in sales of his products as they have been taking some of his stories way too seriously.
Pan-dimensional deity God’s first book, The Old Testament, charts the adventures of an omniscient benefactor who impulsively decides to build a universe in under a week, and then spends the rest of recorded time trying to get the creatures in it to stop fucking things up for themselves. Continue reading “God blames his own readers for his self-help book’s falling sales”
EasyJet is to introduce basic numeracy training for its passengers to help them count to one. The new measure is launched as research reveals that 100% of the airlines’ passengers in Stanstead’s Departure Lounge cannot distinguish between one cabin bag and two.
On arrival at the bag drop, passengers will be required to study a picture of one carry-on luggage item and say how many bags there are. They have three attempts. Continue reading “One Bag and Another Bag is not One Bag, Says EasyJet”