Author Archives

identicon

Rhesus Mogg

God blames his own readers for his self-help book’s falling sales

The author of two bestselling self-help books has said his own readers are to blame for a decline in sales of his products as they have been taking some of his stories way too seriously.

Pan-dimensional deity God’s first book, The Old Testament, charts the adventures of an omniscient benefactor who impulsively decides to build a universe in under a week, and then spends the rest of recorded time trying to get the creatures in it to stop fucking things up for themselves. Continue reading “God blames his own readers for his self-help book’s falling sales”

One Bag and Another Bag is not One Bag, Says EasyJet

EasyJet is to introduce basic numeracy training for its passengers to help them count to one. The new measure is launched as research reveals that 100% of the airlines’ passengers in Stanstead’s Departure Lounge cannot distinguish between one cabin bag and two.

On arrival at the bag drop, passengers will be required to study a picture of one carry-on luggage item and say how many bags there are. They have three attempts. Continue reading “One Bag and Another Bag is not One Bag, Says EasyJet”

Poverty “not as good as I expected,” says Catty Popkins

Failed pantomine villain Catty Popkins has said she would like to go back to having money, please, after just two days of watching daytime TV and wearing pyjamas in Tesco.

The former professional bigot, who had previously claimed that poverty was a lifestyle choice,  says she gave her new circumstances a jolly good go for most of the first day before deciding that having no money, opportunity or hope isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Continue reading “Poverty “not as good as I expected,” says Catty Popkins”

Viewers demand new judges for next season of Brexit Factor

The British public says it wants to see a new panel of judges for next year’s Brexit Factor, as this year’s have turned out to be monumentally shit at their job.

Disgruntled couch sloth Keith Wavering said: “I voted Europe out at the audition stage because Judge Boris said it was rubbish. I liked Boris for his funny hair, his hilarious gaffes and his utter lack of meta-ethical moral relativism, but now I’m starting to wonder if his dead-eyed monomania and egregious lust for victory at any cost isn’t misleading the audience a little bit.” Continue reading “Viewers demand new judges for next season of Brexit Factor”

The Chatty Chimp is owned and operated by Chattychimp Ltd