Milkshake testing

Climate protestor tested positive for Banana and Salted Caramel Milkshake

A Conservative MP has been praised for saving dozens of fatcat bankers from a potential milkshaking.

The protestor who burst into the bankers’ dinner party was later found to have minute quantities of ‘a dairy-related substance’ on her hands and clothes, indicating she had recently been in the presence of milkshake, or a similar deadly weapon such as yoghurt.

French firemen did nothing prayers saved the day

Prayers not water put out Notre Dame fire, says God

The fire at Notre Dame cathedral would have engulfed the whole of Paris if it hadn’t been for the millions of prayers offered up to God, says the leading Catholic deity.

Hundreds of firefighters who risked life and limb throughout the night to douse the flames will be relieved to know that their efforts were pointless, as he could have extinguished the fire any time he liked, said God at a post-conflagration press conference. “Yeah that was definitely me,” he said. “The angels said they were getting all these prayers asking me to stop the fire destroying one of my houses, so I took immediate action and put the blaze out about eight hours later. I could have razed the city to the ground if I’d felt like it, but I guess I’m just munificent like that.” 

Mark Francois Homunculus

Britain’s national psychosis manifests as Mark Francois

The enormous cloud of anger, ignorance and intransigence emitted by the people of Britain has taken human form and called itself Mark Francois.

No record can be found of the creature’s existence before the country’s Brexit mania peaked at the beginning of this year, leading experts to believe the homunculus has been conjured up by mass psychosis.

Death preparing for genocide

Both sides in Brexit debate “not ruling out” genocide

The brutal genocide of one’s enemies should not be taken off the negotiating table, say both left and right wing Brexit activists, after months of shouting at each other on Twitter have failed to break the deadlock.

Pretend communist Socialist Kevin Hard MP tells The Chimp: “We’ve tried abuse, scorn, misrepresentation and fake outrage, but those alt-right bastards haven’t budged an inch despite all our efforts. They just get more stubborn the more shit we throw at them.”