Author: Simian MacAque

Simian, sits and looks at the world and wonders, how the hell did they become the dominant species?

Three of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse are in quarantine

Progress towards Armageddon is on hold according to a press statement issued by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The statement says that the Horsemen are locked down and can’t foresee a normal business being resumed until the COVID-19 pandemic is over.

Normal Service will be resumed when the current threat is over

Clean Your Fridge Campaign launched as mouldy food achieves sentience

The management team of Technology Consultancy Hackitt & Runn has been ousted after a mould growing in the office fridge over lockdown became sentient and staged a boardroom coup.

The mould evolved when three separate growths on an avocado, carton of soya milk and half a tin of cat food were exposed to Coronavirus and the WiFi signal connecting the fridge to the internet.

it’s SkyNet all over again, says Terminator

Boris brings in the Mounties to run Track and Trace

Details of the Prime Minister’s Moonshot testing and tracing scheme are beginning to emerge. 

In the expectation of getting a Canadian style Free Trade Agreement, the Prime Minister is going to bring in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (Mounties) to hunt down errant pub-goers who falsify or refuse to give their contact details. 

You know when you’ve been mounted!

Government to boost national mood with Meh! Britannia, Spitfire production and Jingoism

Meh! Britannia.

In a move to boost national morale, the UK Government is to introduce a “National Optimism Bill” implementing a number of motivational initiatives to “perk up” the beleaguered population, Meh! Britannia.

Inspired by Jacob Rees-Mogg playing “Rule Britannia” on his mobile phone, one initiative will see a “Mighty Wurlitzer” organ replacing the Speaker’s chair in the House of Commons; evoking the patriotism inherent in the Music Halls and Picture Houses of yesteryear. 

Notes from a small island