Author: The Chatty Chump

Boris Johnson

The Conservative Party Apology Template (GE19 Edition)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make another public apology.

Unfortunately, they’ve made me make an unreserved apology to all those people that are not supporters of the Tory Party. It seems they are easily offended, I don’t know why, it was just a bit of bants.

Boris in the ditch

Will Boris be dead or alive when he goes into the ditch? The nation waits

As The Prime Minister pens his request for a Brexit Extension to Monsieur Barnier, the hunt begins for a suitable ditch.

Having promised to end up dead in a ditch rather than ask the EU for an extension the public has flooded Downing Street with suitable locations. Current favourites are; a brackish burn, in Lanarkshire, a slow-flowing stream feeding into the Liverpool Ship canal and a run of soft mud in the Kentish countryside.

ERG announce they have finally finished their study into Europe

The European Research Group has announced the completion of their 3-year, £250,000 Government funded, study into Europe, all of it.

Project Leader and Chief Scientist, Professor Jacob Rees-Mogg, was suitably delighted at the successful completion of his academic paper. “We are delighted to reveal that after a series of studies, experiments and visits we can confirm that Europe is exactly what we thought it was in the first place. It’s full of Johnnie Foreigners.”

EU delay response to Boris as they disagree on how to tell him to F*ck Off

The EU has delayed the response to Boris Johnson’s proposals for a Withdrawal Agreement, as they cannot agree on the best way to tell him to Fuck Off.

All 27 nations are united in agreeing that his proposals were a publicity stunt in the first place and that he was never serious about coming to an agreement. However, they have become divided as to how to tell him to do one.

Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn Prorogue’s Labour Party Conference

After yet another dissenting vote led to acrimony and in-fighting, Jeremy Corbyn was fed up and pissed off with his troublesome delegates. Drawing inspiration from Boris Johnson, Jeremy decided to abandon any notion of democracy and prorogue the Labour Party Conference.

A supporter declared it as a stroke of political genius. “Once again Jeremy has stuck by his core principle of avoiding difficult decisions.”  

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