The Department of Health have called for the banning of the popular seasonal character, Santa Claus, as he sets a bad example to children.
Dr Arthur Maynard, from The Ministry, said, “Santa is clearly not in the best of health. Given his diet of neat spirits, cakes, pies, it’s hardly surprising. He gives all of his vegetables to his reindeer. He’s borderline alcoholic, his ruddy red face suggests a serious heart condition, which isn’t surprising given his weight problems. He clearly has diabetes, and there’s no way his current diet controls his glucose levels.” Continue reading “Santa Claus to be banned as he has a negative effect on the health of children”
East Sussex County Council have revealed that the new home, of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. is a two-bed maisonette on a ‘popular’ estate in Hastings. It’s situated within handy walking distance of the seafront, local shops, major bus routes and there’s a thriving nursery around the corner. It comes with it’s own car-parking.
Charles Boniface said, “It’s a great honour for Sussex, to have Royalty living amongst us. The Prince was very clear that he wanted to live amongst his people.” Continue reading “The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are set to start their family life on a ‘popular’ estate in Hastings”
Scottish fans were outraged when details of the latest fitba deal were announced. TV Sports giant, Sly, bought the tv rights to all Scottish League and Cup Fitba after a particularly long and heavy session in the Hey Pal pub in Glasgow’s East End.
Fitba fans across the nation feel their fitba has been demeaned and devalued by this cut price deal. Ginger Macreadie said “Aye, I ken we’re shite but we shuld a held oot for tattie scone.” Continue reading “Scottish Fitba sells television rights for 4 pints of Heavy, 3 sausage rolls and packet of Cheese and Onion crisps”
Chief Visioneer, Charles Daniels, denies claims that Management and Staff Development Programmes are cults, using pseudoscience to create corporate drones from businesses that should know better.
Mr Daniels explained, “It’s not unreasonable for a companies, such as RoBSu Bank for example, to want fully envisioned staff. The Bank realises meaningfully engaged, and inspired workers are good news for The Bank, its customers and The Bank. I know that for the enormous fee I’m charging them I’m certainly energivisioned for positivation at 150% of capacitational awareness.” Continue reading “Management and Staff Training Courses are not a cults says Chief Visioneer, Charles Daniels”
SPCA calls for an end to the annual torture of defenceless young animals.
Every year the UK revels in the humiliation and torture of 16 young, fresh faced and eager young pups. The Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Arsewipes has said, enough is enough. Continue reading “SPCA calls for an end to the annual torture and humiliation of defenceless young animals as The Apprentice returns, yet again.”
Theresa’s Toe-tapping funksters have decided they are no longer prepared to dance to the Europop beat. Theresa and the May ‘B’ Knots have come up with a new, funky, disco style, “Clawhammer”. The sound of which has been likened to the screaming heard, when you repeatedly smash yourself in the face with a “Clawhammer”. Groupies confirmed this rhythmical, high pitched screaming style has been under development for the last two years.
Continue reading “Groovy Gang, Theresa and the May ‘B’ Knots get down to the funky ‘No Deal’ disco beat with their new single, Operation Clawhammer”