In a desperate bid to attract a new cricket audience the ECB have announced plans to reduce matches to one ball per team.
Ian Napton-Smythe, DfS, GChQ, FghI and ECB Chair, explained
“Everyone loves a day at the cricket. Typically one starts the day with a hearty Full English before heading off to the ground for kick off at 11.00 am. Then it’s out with the beer, G&T, or whatever takes your fancy. Nothing is really happening in the game at this point, so it’s an early opportunity to get those alcohol levels up nice and high. Before you know it, it’s time for lunch in the restaurant or maybe a picnic, all washed down with a couple of bottles of claret. Then back to the seat and nice afternoon doze until tea.”
Ryan Air Pilots have pledged to ruin summer for millions of travellers as part of their ongoing industrial dispute with management. The Pilots plan to run a full service, on time and with as little disruption as possible.
A distraught father of four, Ian Napton, “This is a disaster. I booked tickets with Ryan Air because I thought the flight would end up being cancelled. I haven’t even booked a hotel in Alicante, there didn’t seem any point.”
Were all going on a summer holiday!
Following the biggest and driest Glastonbury for years, in a
welcome boost to the UK economy, drug dealers have reported a bumper sales
boost at this year’s festival.
Ian ‘The Gange’ Napton, “We had a brilliant few days, much better than we expected. It seems the crowd were ‘totes up’ for ‘getting off their tits’.”
Hi Man! Chill!
Millennial hipster, Skye Nation, was being comforted by
friends after undergoing a traumatic coffee buying experience in the multi-national
drinks chain, Café Costabucks.
Trouble started when his favourite trendy bespoke coffee
shop was closed, due to a ‘pop-up muffin’ day. Skye was unable to attend due to
his gluten sensitivity.
Liam Fox, Britain’s premiere trade negotiator has announced,
without a hint of irony, that he has successfully managed to negotiate a post-Brexit
trade deal with South Korea.
Under the terms of the deal, we will maintain exactly the
same trading conditions that we had with South Korea under the EU.
The delicate and complex negotiations have taken many hours
in front of a photocopier with a bottle of tippex.
More? Surely not!
In a surprise twist, prospective Tory Leader, Ian Napton has admitted that the candidates are in the ‘making up any old sh*t’ phase of the campaign.
“We’ve reached the stage where everyone has heard everything we have to say, so to keep the publicity band wagon rolling we have to make up evermore outrageous sh*t. We’ve always got to go one better than the last guy, that’s why we are now saying things like; I’ve taken blow, speed, cocaine, heroin, paracetamol and echinacea, one candidate even admitted drinking a G&T on the tube.” Continue reading “Tory leadership candidate admits they’re now just ‘making up any old sh*t’”