Monkey Business

City reaps financial bonanza as pound plummets on No Deal

Champagne corks are popping in The City again as Brexit disaster looms larger and the pound plummets. 

It’s been a difficult year. I know chaps who have struggled to make £20 million, and even then, they’ve had to resort to shorting businesses which were on the brink of collapse because of the lockdown. But every cloud, and all that…”

Crispin Odious, Very Fat Cat
For I am a very fat cat indeed, said Mr Creosote

Australia transports Tony Abbott to Britain

Former Australian Prime Minister, and national embarrassment, Tony Abbott is undergoing transportation to Britain.

The Australian Government, long concerned about their worldwide reputation, didn’t know what to do with the former Prime Minister. Eventually a think tank came up with the idea of transporting him back to the Old Country.

“And you can keep the bugger!” Bruce

Man United crash out of the UEFA LDV Vans Coca-Cola Shield

United’s Disappointment

So United have crashed out of the European equivalent of the Price is Right. There’ll be no bonus prizes this time, they haven’t even been able to hang on to the £100 Argos voucher, being dumped out without even getting the chance to answer their double points bonus question on the works of William Shakespeare.

Shame, hard luck, it’s the taking part that matters!

Apple are the big winners as Huawei lose Voice of God contract

God has booted Huawei out of the Voice of God network.

The Voice of God network is out of date and in need of an upgrade. In the relentless battle for likes, clicks and followers, billions of people are using the social media “Pray For …” channels and the system can’t cope. This means Heaven needs to upgrade to Big G.

It was a very tempting offer, says God