Graft

Gloop launches new Vampire Repellent spray

The hard-working pseudo-scientists at Gwyneth Paltrow’s health and lifestyle foundation have developed an anti-vampire agent.

Nope, no vampires here

“It was a serendipitous discovery, we were looking at creating a new vaginal douche and had been experimenting with scents based on the odours of celebrities, Gwyneth, Jim Davidson and Piers Morgan as examples.

It must work, have you seen a vampire?

Boris admits soldiers will die in Iraq but it’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make

Heroic Boris Johnson admits British Soldiers will die in the Middle-East but it’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make. albeit not personally.

“Be under no illusion, I am prepared to do anything Donald Trump wants me to do, be it selling contaminated food, giving him the NHS or allowing young northerners to die horribly, thousands of miles from home. It’s a sacrifice I am willing to make, in order to get a trade deal and because he’s my real daddy.”

Boris Johnson
Donald says of course he will still love me in the morning!
Bombs away!

The Pointless Awards Ceremony – Valuing the valueless

It’s gala awards season, and last night the award winning Flowry Hotel played host to the Pointless Awards Award Ceremony.

These awards recognise those who work so tirelessly, to come up with completely meaningless awards, simply so advertisers can label companies, businesses and products as Award Winning.

Continue reading “The Pointless Awards Ceremony – Valuing the valueless”

Johnson upset Trump didn’t tell him to buy oil

Diplomacy between the UK and the USA is being tested early in the New Year following the assassination of Qasem Soleimani.

Roy Keane
I’m not mad!

The UK would ordinarily have expected to have been informed in advance that military action was being taken, but this wasn’t the case. Downing Street is understood to be “disappointed.”

A spokesman for the prime minister told us, “Boris is furious. Had he received the customary tip-off, he and his rich pals would have piled into oil, making a swift profit, selling before the weekend arrived. This has cost a lot of money.”

Buy, buy, bYE!