Monkey Business

“Sorry, forget my own head next” says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Advance briefing is everything for politicians dashing from one interview to the next in the run-up to an election, and Jacob Rees-Mogg understands that better than most.

Rushing into one radio interview, he was armed only with the rationale that leaving is common sense and that people should ignore advice to remain. All good and all on-message so far. The tired old Leave vs Remain argument. An easy interview to head into.

I’m a silly old nuggins says JRM

Bristol top of the cocaine league for the second year running

Amazingly, Bristol has beaten off stiff competition from Paris, Amsterdam, Frankfurt and Rome to be crowned: The Cocaine Capital of Europe.

Competition judges toured Europe, before declaring Bristol City the winner.  The Italian Judge, Gianni Napatone, explained, “We ranked each city on: supply, purity, price and the likelihood of getting busted. Bristol came out top in all categories.

got this gear see! Smashing!

Have you been mis-sold a Brexit? You may have a claim!

Have you spent countless hours in pointless Brexit debates? Did your friends and relatives desert you? How come you managed to enrage complete strangers with, or without provocation? Were you injured or distressed as a result of arguing about something you only had half the facts for? Admit it, you typed messages in BLOCK CAPITALS, didn’t you?

Are your friends as sick of Brexit as you are? Did you vote Brexit and not really expect anything to change? Or, Did you vote remain and spend the last three years toting about an over-inflated sense of educational and moral superiority?

Where there is blame there is a claim!

Homeless Southend man forced to eat in Starbucks

A homeless man was made to eat in Southend branch of Starbucks after a well-wisher forced food on him.

Ian Napton was sitting quietly outside his local Starbucks, cap on the floor and a small dog at his side when a well-meaning member of the public stopped for a chat. After a few moments, the Good Samaritan offered to buy Ian some food.

Please sIR! nO mORE!

ERG announce they have finally finished their study into Europe

The European Research Group has announced the completion of their 3-year, £250,000 Government funded, study into Europe, all of it.

Project Leader and Chief Scientist, Professor Jacob Rees-Mogg, was suitably delighted at the successful completion of his academic paper. “We are delighted to reveal that after a series of studies, experiments and visits we can confirm that Europe is exactly what we thought it was in the first place. It’s full of Johnnie Foreigners.”

sODOMY NON SAPIENS!