Monkey Business

Ian Napton was stunned to his socks when his builders did a great job, finished on time and didn’t try to shag his teenage daughter

It was with some trepidation that Ian and his wife Gillian began a single storey kitchen extension on their mid-terrace, Victorian property. Having had a mixed experience with builders over the years, they were understandably concerned there would be significant disruption.

Their existing kitchen was too small and they wanted to increase space by extending into the garden. Several properties in their road had already had this type of work done. Continue reading “Ian Napton was stunned to his socks when his builders did a great job, finished on time and didn’t try to shag his teenage daughter”

Police bring in Inspector Clouseau to assist with the investigation into fraud at Patisserie Valerie

Upmarket tea and cake shop, Patisserie Valerie, has recently fallen into Administration, when some donut realised there was £40 million pounds missing from the bank account.

Chief Inspector Ian Napton, explained, “Although Patisserie Valerie are a British Company, they’ve a French name so we thought it would be a good idea to bring in continental thinking to help us work out who has had their finger in the pie.” Continue reading “Police bring in Inspector Clouseau to assist with the investigation into fraud at Patisserie Valerie”

When we say ‘Artisan’ that doesn’t mean we want customers who work with their hands, admits posh bakery

Fear and chaos ensued in Shoreditch yesterday, when an a blue-collar worker, entered a high-end, artisan bakery.

At first, everyone remained calm and silent, until he took the provocative step of asking for a cut white loaf. Stunned, the assistant and drama student, Pippa Piper-Montacute, was unable to respond. Bravely, she endeavoured to offer the suspect a sourdough, gluten-free bloomer, as a means of placation.  Continue reading “When we say ‘Artisan’ that doesn’t mean we want customers who work with their hands, admits posh bakery”

David Davis defies critics who say he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job at JCB

David Davis, the former Brexit Secretary and Army Cook, has dispelled rumours that he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job with the excavating behemoths JCB.

Critics were surprised by the appointment as there was little evidence that suggested he knew the difference between his arse and a hole in the ground. In fact he seemed to have difficulty finding his arse with both hands.  Continue reading “David Davis defies critics who say he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job at JCB”

Southern Rail running a reduced service as some winter snow has fallen in the north of Scotland

Southern Rail says it has been forced to cancel some existing services and delay some trains due the unforeseen winter snow falling in the North of Scotland.

Ian Napton, a spokesperson for Southern Rail explained, “I know it seems unlikely, but the sudden and unexpected snow in the North of Scotland causes tremors in the rail network web, these ripples cast out like ripples in a pond, and eventually leading to disruption to train services in the far south of the country.” Continue reading “Southern Rail running a reduced service as some winter snow has fallen in the north of Scotland”

Bank hit by a ‘Technical’ glitch after a customer tries to withdraw their own money

Lloyds Bank suffered yet another embarrassing technical glitch, after Ian Napton attempted to draw his own money out of his account.

He requested £80, the transaction appeared to be proceeding as normal when the ATM asked “Are you sure?” He hit, “Yes“.

The machine said, “We’ve seen your statement, you’ll only waste it. Are you sure you want to do that?“. Again, he responded, “Yes”. Continue reading “Bank hit by a ‘Technical’ glitch after a customer tries to withdraw their own money”

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