Monkey Business

UN send emergency aid to Edinburgh as supplies of Avocado, Quinoa and Hummus reach critical levels

Emergency Avocados

As the Edinburgh Festival kicks off, supplies of Avocado, Quinoa and Hummus have reached drastically low levels, with many restaurants having their entire menu wiped out. One restaurant was forced to close by 11.30 in the morning after smashing their last avocado.

The problem was caused by the sudden influx of Middle Englanders. Stranded North of the Border and miles from the nearest Waitrose, desperate families rushed to Stockbridge restaurants only to find the doors locked. Gilly Giles said “I don’t know what we are going to do. If Giles doesn’t get his poached duck egg and smashed av on sourdough he’s grumpy all day.”

I SAY, EXCUSE ME, WE WERE HERE FIRST!

Dominic Raabid claims he told his imaginary friend about No-Deal risks before 2016

Dominic Raabid claims he told his imaginary friend, Harvey Napton, about the risks of a no-deal prior to the 2016 referendum. He further asserts that he made it quite clear there was a real risk of leaving the EU with No-Deal and that this would be a good thing. What’s more he told him this on multiple occasions.

Harvey issued a statement denying these claims.

If I go I am not coming back!

Ryan Air pilots plan to ruin summer by flying planes as scheduled

Ryan Air Pilots have pledged to ruin summer for millions of travellers as part of their ongoing industrial dispute with management. The Pilots plan to run a full service, on time and with as little disruption as possible.

A distraught father of four, Ian Napton, “This is a disaster. I booked tickets with Ryan Air because I thought the flight would end up being cancelled. I haven’t even booked a hotel in Alicante, there didn’t seem any point.”

Were all going on a summer holiday!

On the 100th Anniversary of the first Council House, Liz Windsor tells us what it was like living in one

Council House

It’s the 100th Anniversary of the building of the first Council House. We asked Westminster Council’s oldest living tenant, Mrs Liz Windsor, what it’s been like living and raising a family in publicly rented accommodation.

“It’s been brilliant, we were so lucky to be first on the housing ladder. Finding affordable, family accommodation in the centre of London was very difficult.”

One says more, here!

Aston Martin shares plummet faster than the car’s value

Aston Martin

James Bond’s car maker of choice, Aston Martin, is facing criticism from City types who are no longer able to afford one of their luxury cars.

25% of the company was floated in London in October 2018 at 1900p per share.

Giles Wilkinson-Giles, a City type, told us, “I was in their Mayfair dealership collecting my DB11 last year and I thought, why not? I’ll buy some shares, too. Unfortunately, the shares have fallen in value faster than the actual car.”

Chin Chin!

Train service in chaos due to the unexpected arrival of summer

The national rail service is in chaos due to an unexpected burst of sunny weather. Services as far north as Scotland have been badly hit by the rise in temperatures.

Ian Napton “We were taken completely by surprise. No-one expected warm sunny days in June, July and August. We had prepared for overcast skies, mild drizzle and a general sense of despondency. The rail network just can’t cope with sunshine.”

All Aboard!
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