Monkey Business

The Nobel Prize for Sciencing goes to Gwyneth Paltrow for Gloop

The world of science and academia was stunned when the Nobel Prize for sciencing was awarded to Gwyneth Paltrow and her company, Gloop. The prize was awarded for their improvements to the scientific process, by making stuff up and not testing it to see if it works.

Many in sciencing thought the prize would go to someone who actually practised scientific methodology, contributed to the greater good, and added to humanity’s body of knowledge.

You couldn’t make it up!

Line of Duty returns for 6th series with even more acronyms

LoD creator Jed Mercurio has confirmed that the series will return for a 6th series, and it will be chock full of bright new acronyms and abbreviations.

“The thing is coming up with all those acronyms series after series is the really hard part. If we put in enough random letters, everyone just sits there trying to work them out and fails to notice we just repeated the first season again and again.”

LoD back for s6, with a new OCG in AF12

Veganist gutted to discover he could have had meat for the last 25 years

Veganists, those mastered in the art of general misery, have again been outraged this week.  This time their ire is centred against the Dalhousie University in Canada, who produced a report claiming that eating red and processed meat turns out not be as bad for you as was widely reported.  One Vegetablist moaned “It’s an utter disgrace, irresponsible and quite frankly shit!’ He drivelled.

Nom, Nom,Nom…Pass the salt!

Donald Trump Opens A New Hotel And Golf Course – On The Moon

The news comes after Mr Trump announced through his official channel – Twitter – that he is planning on opening the Trump Intergalactic Luxury Collection Resort and Golf Course on Earth’s Moon in January of 2020.

“Yeah, sure, we know it’s an ambitious project, but the Russians have had a Moonbase for, like, years, and Apple has one, and the Pope has one, so I want a hotel. And a golf course. That’s not a lot to ask”

Fore! Fore!

Travel company offers a middle-class package tour to the lower-classes

A leading travel company, have launched a ‘unique middle-class pilgrimage package’, in order to assuage ‘uncomfortable feelings of abundance, in the climate of austerity.’

Inspired by Britpop artist Jarvis Cocker, the ‘Common People Excursion’, offers tangible experiences of ‘poverty shopping’, where ‘class tourists’ attempt to buy a week’s groceries for four with £30, learn to pack fifty items per minute in non-tote bags and queue for half an hour to park their SUVs in tiny parking bays.

You could live like this but who would want to?