Monkey Business

Boris Johnson signs on as a writer at The Chatty Chimp

Boris Johnson

Here at The Chatty Chimp we are delighted to announce the journalistic coup of the week. We’ve managed to sign Boris Johnson as a writer on our little paper.

It wasn’t easy getting Boris to give up his £275,000 per year column at the Daily Torygraph, but the offer of free peanuts, bananas, tea, his own tyre swing and the promise of first crack at the new interns did the trick.

lEGE pLUS!

Cars must show how many test attempts the driver had

Driving Test

Following the revelation that a learner driver passed their test in 2016 at the 21st attempt, and that this is not particularly unusual, a spokesman for the RAC has told us about a new initiative to warn motorists when they are too close to an incompetent driver.

Ian Napton told us, “We’ve proposed to the Department for Transport that newly qualified drivers should be required to carry a sign on both the front and rear of their vehicle, a bit like an L plate, which displays the number of tests they took before passing. For instance, I passed first time, so I would have displayed a number 1. My wife, Gillian, passed second time, so she would have displayed a number 2. And the dozy fool who needed 21 tests would have 21 on the front and back of his car.”

Toot Toot!

BBC and ITV launch a new monthly streaming service – GammonTV

GammonTV

To cash in on the global media streaming boom, BBC and ITV have joined forces to create a uniquely British offering. Called Britbox but immediately nicknamed ‘GammonTV’, it will showcase Britain’s golden age.

Ian Napton “We know we’re never going to be as big as Netflix and Amazon and we can’t compete with their innovative and original, world-wide, programming but we’re happy with that. Not everyone wants to see new and exciting things. No! they’d much rather have something old and boring that they’ve seen a hundred times before. We believe people will pay £5.99 a month, on top of the £154.50 a year TV licence, to watch this stuff.”

More nostalgia here!

The Pound achieves parity with The Peanut

In a historic day for Britain’s finances The Pound achieved parity with The Peanut. The Governments devaluation strategy, using the Brexit mechanism, has worked. This morning The Pound plummeted past The Euro and The Banana before settling at one Peanut.

The Government claim this is a fantastic opportunity for their friends to trade peanuts, many had already short sold The Pound and filled their bird feeders.

More from The Organ Grinder

Pound now the world’s worst performing major currency

Day Trader selling the pound

Economists are wailing as the Pound continues to plummet against every other currency in the world. 

Ian Napton, a currency trader, told us, “I don’t even need my lucky coin toss for this one. I just bet on the Pound going down and collect my winnings at the end of the day.”

The Pound is now officially the worst performing major currency in the world over the past 24 hours, over the past month, over the past three months and over the past year, an achievement Michel Barnier couldn’t have conjured up in his wettest of dreams.

Find out more about pobble beads, here!

Ambassador offended at being called stupid by idiot

The only man to tell even a shred of truth in the modern political world has resigned.

Sir Kim Darroch, formerly the UK’s Ambassador in Washington, had reported back to the Foreign Office that the Trump White House might never be seen as competent, confirming the views of about seven billion casual observers, but due to this confidential report being leaked, he was forced to resign. 

He called me what?
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