Monkey Business

Builders Merchants stunned when a woman knows exactly what she wants

Woman in a builders merchants

Staff at a well known South London, Builders Merchants  were left dumbfounded yesterday. A woman entered the branch and knew exactly what she needed to buy.

Staff initially felt uncomfortable at the unusual turn of events. Her presence, immediately, doubled the IQ in the building and she appeared resistant to their ‘friendly banter.’ Continue reading “Builders Merchants stunned when a woman knows exactly what she wants”

Bristol is crowned the cocaine capital of Europe

Bristol Man snorting cocaine from an I Pad

Amazingly, Bristol has beaten off stiff competition from Paris, Amsterdam, Frankfurt and Rome to be crowned: The Cocaine Capital of Europe.

Competition judges toured Europe, before declaring Bristol the winner.  The Italian Judge, Gianni Napatone, explained, “We ranked each city on: supply, purity, price and the likelihood of getting busted. Bristol came out top in all categories. Continue reading “Bristol is crowned the cocaine capital of Europe”

Red Nose Day Appeal – A man goes to the pub

Red Nose Day man in the pub

Red Nose Day comes around again. Once more, some very nice people set out to persuade you to give them some money, so you don’t have to think about something bad. This time they’re doing it with funny jokes and sketches, plus Alan Partridge and James Corden.

Ian Napton decided to enter into the spirit of the event by pledging, to go to the pub for the evening. Continue reading “Red Nose Day Appeal – A man goes to the pub”

Fake Balsamic Vinegar; middle-class shoppers offered counselling

Fake Balsamic Vinegar on Bruschetta

Fake Balsamic Vinegar has entered the food supply chain resulting in middle class foodies becoming traumatised at the thought of having used unbranded vinegar.

Up market retailers were quick to reassure customers that they were doing everything they could to make sure the issue was resolved as quickly as possible.

Waitrose spokesman, Ian Napton, explained, “Initially we were shocked. We can’t have customers thinking we buy any old rubbish, stick a fancy label on it and then charge a huge mark up, just because we’re ‘upmarket’.” Continue reading “Fake Balsamic Vinegar; middle-class shoppers offered counselling”

Hitler’s Banjo Boogie Album sales fall, following TV documentary

Hitler's Banjo Boogie Album

Hitler’s Banjo Boogie Album sales fell sharply following a recently aired music documentary. Shown on the History Channel, over three days, it has led to a sharp decline in digital music sales. Outraged fans started a nationwide boycott of the World’s number one selling banjoist. An artist who performed to sell-out crowds and revolutionised Banjoism.

On Wednesday night, the History Channel aired the first part of their documentary ‘Inside the Third Reich’. Consequently, by Thursday morning music outlets were noticing a clear downward trend.  Continue reading “Hitler’s Banjo Boogie Album sales fall, following TV documentary”

Cornish Pasty shortage likely after Brexit

Cornish Pasty shortages

Cornish Pasty stocks are dangerously low. Emergency planning is underway, as it emerges that the country’s supply of proper pasties is in peril, as a result of Brexit.

Speaking in Padstow, Ian Napton from the Steak and Tiddy bakery said, “It’s a joke. Fatty Cameron came down here for his holidays banging on about a referendum on leaving the EU. As a result of his efforts, we supported him. Now there’s going to be a hard border between Cornwall and England. We won’t be able to get pasties out of Cornwall, without sampling at customs. Have you seen a Customs Officer eat? There’ll be nothing left. Nobody will have  Cornish Pasties to sell, dreckly.” Continue reading “Cornish Pasty shortage likely after Brexit”

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