Monkey Business

Have you been mis-sold a lottery ticket? Were you promised riches beyond compare? Then one legal firm thinks they can get you your money back

At Napton & Co they believe that ‘where there’s blame, there’s a claim’ and as the PPI work dries up they are looking for new things to get compensation from. Their latest money generating wheeze is to try and sue The National Lottery.  

Ian Napton explains, “When people see all the adverts showing ordinary people winning life changing sums of money, they are led to believe it can happen to them too. Of course we all know it can’t, but it doesn’t stop people handing over the hard earned readies every week.” Continue reading “Have you been mis-sold a lottery ticket? Were you promised riches beyond compare? Then one legal firm thinks they can get you your money back”

NHS turns to Shamen, spiritualists and colour therapists to ease the post-Brexit staffing crisis

Facing a drastic shortfall in post-Brexit, NHS, staffing levels, the Government have released details of their contingency planning. Hospital staff  numbers will be boosted by a range of alternative therapists such as Shamen, Spiritualists, Faith Healers, Homeopaths and Reflexologists.

The NHS also plans to turn existing ‘contemplation and worship spaces’ into dedicated, cutting edge, ‘Thoughts & Prayers (T&P)’ treatment centres. Continue reading “NHS turns to Shamen, spiritualists and colour therapists to ease the post-Brexit staffing crisis”

The World in Stereotypes – Volume 1, the former colony of Florida

Our intrepid travel correspondent, Ian Napton, has sent this report from the former colony of Florida.

Elderly people, rednecks, eating without cutlery, alligators and billboards advertising the services of personal injury lawyers. All on the list of stereotypes about Florida, and I’m pleased to confirm that all of these reputational slurs are entirely deserved.
Continue reading “The World in Stereotypes – Volume 1, the former colony of Florida”

Greggs, controversially, launch a 100% Vegan sausage roll

Following on from a concerted campaign by a bunch of Guardian reading do-gooders, Greggs have decided to drag themselves into the modern age by launching a 100% Vegan sausage roll.

The new roll, made with 100% Vegan, will be available from tomorrow in all branches of Greggs. The company recommends it as best being served too hot on the outside, freezing in the middle and covered in Brown Sauce.  Continue reading “Greggs, controversially, launch a 100% Vegan sausage roll”

Southern Rail to introduce External Class rail travel in a bid to reduce train over crowding

As Southern Rail’s beleaguered customers quietly fume at yet another fare increase in return for ever poorer service, the company’s ‘Managers’ have come up with a cunning plan. 

Following a recent trip to India, Senior Manager Ian Napton was impressed with the effectiveness of Indian Rail’s external seating class. It effectively doubled the capacity of each train, at no extra cost to the company.  Continue reading “Southern Rail to introduce External Class rail travel in a bid to reduce train over crowding”

HMV’s Grift Voucher Scheme will sell peerages, financial favours, ferrying contracts and government influence as part of a daring rescue plan

HMV’s  administrators have come up with a cunning plan to help save the beleaguered retail chain. With the assistance of the Government, HMV will now be selling gongs, medals, peerages, £14 Million Ferrying contracts and Ministerial access.

Ian Napton, of VR Administrators, explained, “We had the idea when the story broke about the government selling off peerages to try and get Theresa May’s Brexit deal through Parliament.” Continue reading “HMV’s Grift Voucher Scheme will sell peerages, financial favours, ferrying contracts and government influence as part of a daring rescue plan”

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