Monkey Business

At least the Corona Virus will reduce pension payments, says Boris

Britain’s pension timebomb is in the news again. With the nation largely underprovided for in terms of retirement provision, and with an increasing older population, the government has decided to take advantage of the unplanned Coronavirus to kill the elderly off.

Woman Drinking in Kitchen
Bottoms Up
Think of the saving in pension payments!

Burglar given benefits after everyone starts working from home

House burglar, Ian ‘Swiper’ Napton, has applied for State Benefits, as he is unable to work.

Following the Government’s Corona Virus response, many people are home working. Mr ‘Swipers’ is more of a ‘work from your home’ specialist, and this trend is negatively impacting his earning potential. Higher than usual rates of occupancy means it’s almost impossible for him to break in and ‘steal shit’.

Wanking from home!
I can’t go on the rob with everyone sitting at home watching Netflix, can I?

Spurs to play all their games behind closed doors

Officials at the club took the decision came following their game against RB Leipzig, which ended in a humiliating 0-3 defeat, and exit from The Champions League.

The club said that following recent results, and the managers style of play, it was only fair to protect the fans from having to watch the team.

It was the kindest thing we could do

Hipster traumatised after buying coffee from a chain

Millennial hipster, Skye Nation, was being comforted by friends after undergoing a traumatic coffee buying experience in the multi-national drinks chain, Café Costabucks.

Trouble started when his favourite trendy bespoke coffee shop was closed, due to a ‘pop-up muffin’ day. Skye was unable to attend due to his gluten sensitivity.

Coffee shop closed
Sorry we are not serving over-priced coffee
Hipsters, Really?