Monkey Business

Man sells beloved family pet in order to afford a trip to the dentist

Colin Adams, had an agonising tooth, so he called the dentist. Not having visited the surgery for several years he was unaware of current dental charges. When he asked about the cost, receptionist said, “It’s somewhere between an arm and a leg.” She added, “The price will go up, obviously, if on further investigation, the dentist feels he needed a further week’s holiday, in Tuscany.
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Heads to roll at Amazon after receiving a £1.7 mill tax bill

Heads are expected to roll at the UK division of Amazon after an undetected internal accounting error meant that the company has become liable for UK Corporation Tax of £1.7m.

The company, which would have beaten Apple to the crown of “first $1trn company” nine years ago if it hadn’t been for its merciless tax mitigation department, is still ranked less profitable in the UK than Toys R Us, Maplin and Aunt Emily’s Corner Shop in Devizes.

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Pensioners pump out prescription pills to kids

The Government’s austerity measures mean cash strapped pensioners have turned to drug dealing to supplement their dwindling incomes and to allow them to buy essentials, such as; scones, cake, liniment and Werther’s Originals.

In increasing numbers, The Grey Mafia (AKA The Grafia or The Cosy Nostrum) have moved into the illegal drugs market. Ironically, showing the entrepreneurial spirit,  of which the Conservatives, are so proud. Continue reading “Pensioners pump out prescription pills to kids”

M&S shares rise sharply as middle-aged man goes on a shopping spree

A middle-aged British man faced up to the horror of his biennial clothes shopping trip today.

Ian Napton, from Wiltshire, headed for his local branch of Marks and Spencer for a wallet-emptying day of buying safe, unfashionable shirts, jeans, chinos and a new pair of slippers.

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Whoops! Electronics company lose 10 million customers details – again

The popular computer sales company, Dixons Carphone Warehouse, today admitted that the security password on its customer information database had proved too easy to guess for pesky hackers.

The firm’s spokesman, Will Gates, said “The chap who set the system up in 1994 set the password to “password” and, on reflection, and in this age of people deliberately trying to hack their way into places they have no business, it seems obvious that someone would guess correctly eventually. Perhaps we ought to have changed it to something like “password1” before now.” Continue reading “Whoops! Electronics company lose 10 million customers details – again”