Monkey Business

Cocaine users sue dealers after scientists find talc has a cancer risk

Cancer risk in talc used to cut cocaine

A bunch of American lawyers looking for the next cash cow, found a study linking the use of talcum powder to an increased risk of cancer. This has resulted in several class action lawsuits, in the states, as cocaine users sue their dealers.

Meanwhile, British cocaine dealers have become paranoid and gone into a highly agitated tailspin, after it transpired that they may, also, face liability for failing to disclose cancer risks. This means customers were unable to make an informed choice.
Continue reading “Cocaine users sue dealers after scientists find talc has a cancer risk”

As it’s revealed that Cops don’t catch criminals the PM closes down the Police Force and spends the money on your NHS

jog off Bobby

Following confirmation that police don’t catch criminals, Theresa May announced the immediate abolition of the British Police Force.

In a surprise move, Mrs May confirmed that the police force costs the British tax payer over £12bn every year to run. The loss of the Police Force would free up vast sums of money to be spent on other, more important services, like health. Continue reading “As it’s revealed that Cops don’t catch criminals the PM closes down the Police Force and spends the money on your NHS”

The status of the latest winter storm has been upgraded to catastrophic and renamed Storm Grayling

Devastation as Storm Grayling causes chaos

This weeks winter Atlantic storm, was originally named Freya and it was expected to bring a sense of mild depression, together with bouts of heavy rain and high winds to all parts of the UK.

Unfortunately, the low pressure at the centre of the storm, has deepened, bring risk of substantial and prolonged depression to all areas of the country. With the increase in storm severity, it has been upgraded to catastrophic and renamed Storm Grayling. Continue reading “The status of the latest winter storm has been upgraded to catastrophic and renamed Storm Grayling”

Shock as Brexit makes buying an Aston Martin more unaffordable for everyday folk

Aston's to become unaffordable to those on benefits

There was outrage and disbelief across the country as Aston Martin revealed the price of their cars would have to rise, following Brexit.

Many of those working on low wages, whose income is topped up by benefits, have seen no increase in payments this year. This means many won’t be able to upgrade to Aston Martin’s latest model. Continue reading “Shock as Brexit makes buying an Aston Martin more unaffordable for everyday folk”

Southern Rail to be more accurately renamed as Southern Buses

Southern Rail replacement bus service

In a refreshing burst of honesty Southern Rail has decided to rebrand itself as Southern Buses.

Company Spokesman, Ian Napton explained, “It’s more reflective of our operation and how it works. We run far more buses than trains, the fact that we are charging full train fares for a bus journey makes it an immensely profitable business for us.” Continue reading “Southern Rail to be more accurately renamed as Southern Buses”

An earthquake measuring 3.6 on the Richter Scale caused terror and panic in Surrey as house prices fell sharply

Earthquake send house prices plummeting in Surrey

An earthquake measuring 3.6 on the Richter Scale caused house prices to shake in Surrey, this morning.

Ian Napton, an estate agent and resident of Newdigate, was woken unexpectedly at 3.42am as £50,000 was temporarily wiped off the value of his house. “I just had time to start calculating the cost of lost commissions for the business when the house stopped shaking.” Continue reading “An earthquake measuring 3.6 on the Richter Scale caused terror and panic in Surrey as house prices fell sharply”

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