Monkey Business

After a northerner slags off Borough Market the locals suggests he sticks to Wetherspoons as ‘he will feel more at home there’

Borough Market, a little pretentious? Surely not

Indignation spread across the artisan market community, when a crudely worded complaint was propagated on social media.

Tourist Trevor Manley, who can only be described as ‘northern’, felt that his visit to Borough Market was ‘poor value for money.’

Feeling ‘misunderstood and undervalued for their quintessential craft-personship’, stall holders responded bitterly, by suggesting that Manley had not appreciated the market’s ‘exemplary ambience’. Continue reading “After a northerner slags off Borough Market the locals suggests he sticks to Wetherspoons as ‘he will feel more at home there’”

Middle classes empathise with the poor after paying £250 for a seat at the theatre

The lavish hit west-end musical; The Poor, Poor Waitress on Benefits, has received unanimous acclaim for is portrayal of a young woman in an inner city, working 70 hours a week on minimum wage whilst trying to raise her pet Chihuahua.

The middle classes have praised its gritty unflinching realism, of a life without avocado and poached quails eggs for breakfast. Continue reading “Middle classes empathise with the poor after paying £250 for a seat at the theatre”

Southern Fail announce commemerative Brexit fare increase

With Brexit around the corner, Southern Fail have announced commemorative fare increases, effective from 11.50pm on 29 March.

Ian Napton, a company spokesman explained, “It’s all down to Brexit, I’m afraid. The company’s policy was that if we voted to leave the EU, fares would have to rise for the sake of the network’s financial stability in what will be an uncertain period. Whereas if we had voted to remain in the EU, fares would have had to have risen by the same amount due to the amount of Corporation Tax we pay which is then sent to Brussels on the Eurostar. We’re sure that commuters will understand that they voted for this fare increase.”
Continue reading “Southern Fail announce commemerative Brexit fare increase”

Project Fear in overdrive as Porsche plan to charge Brits 10% more to look like a twat

As it becomes clearer that people are bulk-buying essential items ahead of Brexit and confidence in the supply chain is diminishing, the latest previously undisclosed blow to the nation’s wellbeing has come to light.

Porsche has announced that they want customers to sign a clause in their purchase contracts agreeing to a potential tariff of 10% for cars delivered after Britain leaves the EU. Continue reading “Project Fear in overdrive as Porsche plan to charge Brits 10% more to look like a twat”

Launch of UK’s last remaining production car, The Plonker, doesn’t go well

As the last of the major UK based car makers, announces plans to shift production overseas, one plucky British company, The Trotters, launch their new four door saloon, The Plonker.

Unfortunately, launch day didn’t go as planned, the millennial models they hired were only used to automatics and drove the car straight into the River. Continue reading “Launch of UK’s last remaining production car, The Plonker, doesn’t go well”

Honda smashes Nissan in the race for the Brexit Door

Red-faced executives at the Nissan plant in Sunderland are expecting harsh words from their bosses in Japan tomorrow morning as their counterparts at Honda’s Swindon factory stole a march by announcing the closure of their factory first.

Sunderland, the poster town for Vote Leave, realised it had dropped a clanger roughly twenty seconds after polls closed at the 2016 EU Referendum, and Remainers everywhere have scoffed ever since at people voting to become unemployed. Now Swindon has joined in on the act, also voting Leave and succeeding in closing a major local employer in consequence, but doing it first. Continue reading “Honda smashes Nissan in the race for the Brexit Door”

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