Monkey Business

BT Broadband Helpline tells Mr Putin to unplug the internet and plug it back in again to see if that fixes it

It’s believed the Russian President, Mr Vladimir Putin, is regretting signing a deliver and supply contract with BT Broadband, for the Internet.

Problems began when the Internet started playing up and stopped showing him; funny videos about cute animals, movies starring big muscly oiled men in tight jeans fixing household appliances or pictures of food and drink. He was also unable to log into his favourite influencer’s account; Sophie from Milton Keynes was doing a special on how to blag luxury hotel rooms by offering free blow jobs. Continue reading “BT Broadband Helpline tells Mr Putin to unplug the internet and plug it back in again to see if that fixes it”

Meet Jonah Napton, Britain’s most redundant man. He’s been let go seven times

Jonah Napton has the unenviable record of being Britain’s most redundant man.  In what some are calling “an unbelievable run of bad luck”, Jonah has been let go 7 times. The latest on the last in first out principal.

The first time it happens, you kind of accept it as ‘just one of those things’, the second time feels a bit unfair but when it keeps on happening you start to think, ‘Is it me?” said Jonah. Continue reading “Meet Jonah Napton, Britain’s most redundant man. He’s been let go seven times”

Seaborne Freight wins the award for The Most Outstanding Ferry Company of The Year

In a surprise announcement, Seaborne Freight has won the award for Outstanding Ferry Company of the Year at this years Cargo Freight Awards.

Director of the Awards Committee, Ian Napton, explained, “There was only one contender. Seaborne were the most punctual and reliable, they never missed a sailing. Additionally they secured a £14 million government contract and the ringing endorsement of a Senior Cabinet Minister. Our customer satisfaction survey showed they were the only company to get no complaints, which is an outstanding achievement.  It’s important to acknowledge the valuable work they have done in raising the profile of the cargo freight industry and we are delighted to recognise the work of this outstanding British company.” Continue reading “Seaborne Freight wins the award for The Most Outstanding Ferry Company of The Year”

Ian Napton was stunned to his socks when his builders did a great job, finished on time and didn’t try to shag his teenage daughter

It was with some trepidation that Ian and his wife Gillian began a single storey kitchen extension on their mid-terrace, Victorian property. Having had a mixed experience with builders over the years, they were understandably concerned there would be significant disruption.

Their existing kitchen was too small and they wanted to increase space by extending into the garden. Several properties in their road had already had this type of work done. Continue reading “Ian Napton was stunned to his socks when his builders did a great job, finished on time and didn’t try to shag his teenage daughter”

Police bring in Inspector Clouseau to assist with the investigation into fraud at Patisserie Valerie

Upmarket tea and cake shop, Patisserie Valerie, has recently fallen into Administration, when some donut realised there was £40 million pounds missing from the bank account.

Chief Inspector Ian Napton, explained, “Although Patisserie Valerie are a British Company, they’ve a French name so we thought it would be a good idea to bring in continental thinking to help us work out who has had their finger in the pie.” Continue reading “Police bring in Inspector Clouseau to assist with the investigation into fraud at Patisserie Valerie”

When we say ‘Artisan’ that doesn’t mean we want customers who work with their hands, admits posh bakery

Fear and chaos ensued in Shoreditch yesterday, when an a blue-collar worker, entered a high-end, artisan bakery.

At first, everyone remained calm and silent, until he took the provocative step of asking for a cut white loaf. Stunned, the assistant and drama student, Pippa Piper-Montacute, was unable to respond. Bravely, she endeavoured to offer the suspect a sourdough, gluten-free bloomer, as a means of placation.  Continue reading “When we say ‘Artisan’ that doesn’t mean we want customers who work with their hands, admits posh bakery”

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