Monkey Business

Department Store accidently hires Satan for this year’s Christmas Grotto

Due to an unfortunate spelling error, House of Frasier has accidently hired Satan, Lord of Evil, Devourer of Worlds and Harvester of Souls to dish out the Christmas presents to all the little children.

Unfortunately the mistake happened when a dyslexic intern was charged with booking Santa and his little helpers. When the agency returned the contracts, she didn’t realise they’d mis-spelled Santa, and they’d contractually booked Satan.  Continue reading “Department Store accidently hires Satan for this year’s Christmas Grotto”

Gwyneth and her company, Gloop, win The Nobel Prize for sciencing

The world of science and academia was stunned when the Nobel Prize for sciencing was awarded to Gwyneth Paltrow and her company, Gloop. The prize was awarded for their improvements to the scientific process, by making stuff up and not testing it to see if it works.

Many in sciencing thought the prize would go to someone who actually practiced scientific methodology, contributed to the greater good, and added to humanity’s body of knowledge. Continue reading “Gwyneth and her company, Gloop, win The Nobel Prize for sciencing”

Only Money Matters

In the clearest message yet to Government, business has confirmed that it cares only about money and the environment can go hang.

Glib messages on corporate websites about social and environmental responsibility have turned out to be bollocks and, with uncertainty around the corner blamed on Brexit and the Government’s piss poor handling of the negotiations, big businesses want the world to know that Only Money Matters. Continue reading “Only Money Matters”

Management and Staff Training Courses are not a cults says Chief Visioneer, Charles Daniels

Chief Visioneer, Charles Daniels, denies claims that Management and Staff Development Programmes are cults,  using pseudoscience to create corporate drones from businesses that should know better.

Mr Daniels explained, “It’s not unreasonable for a companies, such as RoBSu Bank for example, to  want fully envisioned staff. The Bank realises meaningfully engaged, and inspired workers are good news for The Bank, its customers and The Bank. I know that for the enormous fee I’m charging them I’m certainly energivisioned for positivation at  150% of capacitational awareness.” Continue reading “Management and Staff Training Courses are not a cults says Chief Visioneer, Charles Daniels”

Amazon to increase customer delivery updates to every five minutes

In order to improve the customer fulfilment experience, Amazon have decided to increase the ordered items email and text updates, to every five minutes.

Focus groups determined customers experienced anxiety, when dealing with an Amazon order, by not knowing the location of Granny’s £4.99 slippers every minute of the day. Continue reading “Amazon to increase customer delivery updates to every five minutes”

All change at Aryan Air as Tommy is, ironically, booted out of his seat to make way for Sir Phillip Green

On Tuesday we sensationally revealed the dramatic appointment of Tommy Robinson to the Board of Aryan Air. However, in the fast moving world of international business he has been sensationally dismissed, to be replaced by local bad boy Sir Phillip Green. Continue reading “All change at Aryan Air as Tommy is, ironically, booted out of his seat to make way for Sir Phillip Green”

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