Monkey Business

Mike Ashley in a new and exciting partnership with the Department of Education

Newcastle United owner and Sportsdirect.com behemoth Michael Ashley has announced a new and exciting partnership to the world’s media via the Basingstoke Gazette and a confused Buzzfeed intern.

Michael set out the main aims of the deal; “My company, Sportsdirect.com, is linking with the Department of Education to bring business efficiencies into Education. For too long schools have been characterised by wasteful spending and unrealised earning potentials.” Continue reading “Mike Ashley in a new and exciting partnership with the Department of Education”

David Davis defies critics who say he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job at JCB

David Davis, the former Brexit Secretary and Army Cook, has dispelled rumours that he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job with the excavating behemoths JCB.

Critics were surprised by the appointment as there was little evidence that suggested he knew the difference between his arse and a hole in the ground. In fact he seemed to have difficulty finding his arse with both hands.  Continue reading “David Davis defies critics who say he doesn’t know his arse from a hole in the ground by taking a job at JCB”

P&O relocate to Cyprus after finding out the Chris Grayling will be in charge of cross channel ferry services

P&O have announced that they will be registering their cross channel ferries under a Cypriot Flag of Convenience.

They’ve decided to change fleet registration after finding out that Chris Grayling, Minister for Transport, will have responsibility for Cross Channel ferry services once Britain leaves the EU, on 29 March 2019.  Continue reading “P&O relocate to Cyprus after finding out the Chris Grayling will be in charge of cross channel ferry services”

Southern Rail running a reduced service as some winter snow has fallen in the north of Scotland

Southern Rail says it has been forced to cancel some existing services and delay some trains due the unforeseen winter snow falling in the North of Scotland.

Ian Napton, a spokesperson for Southern Rail explained, “I know it seems unlikely, but the sudden and unexpected snow in the North of Scotland causes tremors in the rail network web, these ripples cast out like ripples in a pond, and eventually leading to disruption to train services in the far south of the country.” Continue reading “Southern Rail running a reduced service as some winter snow has fallen in the north of Scotland”

Tragedy at Toshitone Industries after a secretary accidently books The Board into Dignitas, the assisted dying facility, rather than the luxury ski resort of Davos

The financial world was thrown into turmoil last night, after Gillian Napton accidently  booked The Board of Toshitone Industries into the assisted dying facility, Dignitas, by mistake.

Ms Napton was given the responsibility of booking the high powered executives, from one of the world’s largest companies, onto the World Economic Forum held annually at luxury Swiss Ski Resort of Davos.  Continue reading “Tragedy at Toshitone Industries after a secretary accidently books The Board into Dignitas, the assisted dying facility, rather than the luxury ski resort of Davos”

Bank hit by a ‘Technical’ glitch after a customer tries to withdraw their own money

Lloyds Bank suffered yet another embarrassing technical glitch, after Ian Napton attempted to draw his own money out of his account.

He requested £80, the transaction appeared to be proceeding as normal when the ATM asked “Are you sure?” He hit, “Yes“.

The machine said, “We’ve seen your statement, you’ll only waste it. Are you sure you want to do that?“. Again, he responded, “Yes”. Continue reading “Bank hit by a ‘Technical’ glitch after a customer tries to withdraw their own money”

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