Technology

Apple are the big winners as Huawei lose Voice of God contract

God has booted Huawei out of the Voice of God network.

The Voice of God network is out of date and in need of an upgrade. In the relentless battle for likes, clicks and followers, billions of people are using the social media “Pray For …” channels and the system can’t cope. This means Heaven needs to upgrade to Big G.

It was a very tempting offer, says God

The Internet cannot be broken by a post about plastic hooks, says Expert

Experts confirm that the internet cannot be broken by a packet of plastic stick-on hooks, not matter how good the VFM.

Toshitone Industries make the spectacular claim on Facebook. They say that the internet is going so wild for yellow plastic hooks that you can stick on to a flat surface with double-sided sticky tape, that it is broken!

Toshitone INdustries for all your hanging needs

Met Office to reboot Stonehenge in IT upgrade

Met Office plans to upgrade their weather forecasting technology by rebooting Stonehenge.

The current IT system, at Weather Towers, has become obsolete so the Met Office has looked for other cost-effective methods for mis-predicting the weather. At a cost of £1.2B, a new supercomputer is too expensive, hence the Stonehenge reboot.

The stone is wet, it must be raining!

Musk says ‘Tesla Ich bin ein Binliner’

Brexiteers have reacted with indignation over Tesla’s decision to base its European Gigafactory in Germany.

Elon Musk, the company’s high profile founder, said that Brexit uncertainty made it “too risky” to locate the factory in Britain, despite the small army of soon-to-be-unemployed car factory workers here he could potentially have taken on.

Don’t mention the war.

Driver accused of killing the planet by having a full tank of petrol

Environmentalists have criticised a driver for topping his petrol tank up at the supermarket after he had done the weekly shop.

Ian Napton, a Social Worker, told us. “I was on my way out of Morrisons and thought I’d fill up the Fiesta as petrol tends to be a bit cheaper there than at my nearest garage. We’re off to see my family tomorrow and they’re 150 miles away. But when I headed to the shop to pay, a bunch of protesters with placards blocked my way and told me I was killing Polar Bears as I could have filled up tomorrow en route and now my car would emit more carbon monoxides due to being heavier with a full tank.”

Vote Green! We’re all going to die!