Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Tory leadership challenge to use cage fighting to determine the Ultimate FC

Ina  radical re-modernisation the upcoming Tory Leadership Contest is to be decided by cage fighting with the winner becoming the ‘Ultimate Fu**ing C**t’.

Standard UFC Rules apply; no hair-pulling, scratching, name calling, although back-stabbing is mandatory. The winner is the last FC standing. Continue reading “Tory leadership challenge to use cage fighting to determine the Ultimate FC”

Theresa May writes to Sir Graham saying she no longer has any confidence in herself

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House of Commons
Office of The Prime Minister
Theresa May
10 Downing Street
London
SW1A 2AA
To: Sir Graham Brady MP
Chair 1922 Committee
House of Commons
London
SW1A 0AA

 

Dear Sir Graham,

It is with a tremendous sense of relief I write to you, to express my complete lack of confidence in myself. Continue reading “Theresa May writes to Sir Graham saying she no longer has any confidence in herself”

Sorry about Brexit, says Charles Darwin

Charles Darwin has interrupted his 136-year death to correct a fundamental error in his seminal “On the Origin of Species”.

While many of Darwin’s assertions remain unquestionably true, such as religion being utterly batshit and pigeons being dinosaurs in disguise, the bearded Victorian revenant apologised for underestimating humanity’s ability to produce Brexit. Continue reading “Sorry about Brexit, says Charles Darwin”

That Boris Johnson apology, to Parliament, in full

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I regret that it is necessary for me to publicly apologise for my behaviour. 

It is with great sadness, I find, that once again it has been discovered that I have been a naughty boy.

On this occasion I would like to offer a full, an insincere apology, to my wife/my constituents/ the British People/The House of Commoners/  my wife again/my employer/my friends/my friends husbands/the wife’s friends husbands and finally my wife. Continue reading “That Boris Johnson apology, to Parliament, in full”

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