Donald Trump denies being in Ept

MP Suspended over sexual misconduct but it wasn’t Boris Johnson

Surprise across Westminster after an MP was suspended, pending an enquiry into allegations of sexual misconduct.

Whilst Parliament had been rife with rumours as to the identity of the MP in question, heavy money had been bet on it being Boris Johnson. Much to the tousle-haired rogue’s relief, it turned out to be someone else.

never eaten peaches

Impeached Trump claims he’s never eaten peaches

The American President has finally found himself subject to impeachment proceedings. He is understandably outraged, “I’m peachy but I’ve never eaten Peaches” he claimed, before adding, “I’m more of an Orange man myself. Anyone who knows me knows how much I like sucking the juice out of a large Valencian or getting my hands on a juicy, young, Clementine.”

Democrats were suitably upset. One of the Clinton’s said, “This is outrageous, he definitely said his Maw Maw made ‘the bestest peach cobbler ever’, that ‘no-one bested her cobblers’ and he’s full of cobblers but now he’s claiming he’s never eaten peaches. There needs to be an enquiry.”

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Have you been mis-sold a Brexit? You may have a claim!

Have you spent countless hours in pointless Brexit debates? Did your friends and relatives desert you? How come you managed to enrage complete strangers with, or without provocation? Were you injured or distressed as a result of arguing about something you only had half the facts for? Admit it, you typed messages in BLOCK CAPITALS, didn’t you?

Are your friends as sick of Brexit as you are? Did you vote Brexit and not really expect anything to change? Or, Did you vote remain and spend the last three years toting about an over-inflated sense of educational and moral superiority?