Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Slaughter at Trump International Tower as shouts of “Yeehah” are mistaken for “Jihad”

Trump scandal

President Trump has been implicated in the suppression of yet another unfavourable news story. Details of the latest mass shooting, in the Land of the Free, were hushed up to protect Donald’s financial backers, the NRA.

Tragedy struck at Trump International Tower (TIT), Chicago. Demonstrations are commonplace outside El Presidente’s Penis so his Bulgarian security team are well prepared for any eventuality. Continue reading “Slaughter at Trump International Tower as shouts of “Yeehah” are mistaken for “Jihad””

DWP Punishments revised to include lines, fagging and giving up teddy

Punishment with lines and a cap

The Government are to soften their hard-line punishment of benefit claimants.

Benefit claimants faced serious financial penalties for minor infractions of the system. This led to people calling the Government some very nasty names. Stung by this criticism, and faced with a General Election, the cabinet have decided to relax the rules. Continue reading “DWP Punishments revised to include lines, fagging and giving up teddy”

St Bastard’s Comprehensive closed when Religious Studies students attempted to re-enact the Crucifixion

St Bastards crucifixion

St Bastard’s Comprehensive in Whitchurch, Shropshire, faced emergency closure today after Religious Studies students attempted to re-enact the Crucifixion as a part of their coursework.

Ian Napton, the tutor, found himself being hoisted up on to a cross brought specially into class by two of the stronger boys. “At first, I played along, but when I saw the little bastards had real nails, I screamed ‘Jesus Christ!’ at the top of my voice. Fortunately, Miss Minors, the History teacher in the classroom next door intervened, for which I am eternally grateful, although I could have done without her telling the class that my lessons are fictional while hers are factually proven.”

The class had enlisted the help of their friends in Woodwork to build the cross. “We sit through this shit twice a week,” complained student Jayden Goodchild. “We wanted to see if the stories have any substance to them.

A spokesman for the Board of Governors played down the incident. “This morning’s incident has been overstated in much the same way that last week’s collaboration between Chemistry and History students seeking to recreate Nazi gas chambers was. St Bastard’s prides itself on bringing history to life.”

Qatar’s bestselling book is ‘How to beat your wife, for Dummies’

how to beat your wife

Qatari Sociologist, Basher Al Hardah’s academic treatise ‘How to beat your wife, for Dummies’ is at the top of the Arab Times best seller list. The handy guide, with its’ simple easy to follow pictures, has proved popular with cowardly, mindless, insecure thugs and the religious.

Basher argues that when applying a beating, it’s important the woman feels the man’s strength and understands his masterfulness. He explains that science has shown this to be the will of God. A half-starved 10th Century goat herder wrote it down, so it must be true.

Continue reading “Qatar’s bestselling book is ‘How to beat your wife, for Dummies’”

Prayers not water put out Notre Dame fire, says God

French firemen did nothing prayers saved the day

The fire at Notre Dame cathedral would have engulfed the whole of Paris if it hadn’t been for the millions of prayers offered up to God, says the leading Catholic deity.

Hundreds of firefighters who risked life and limb throughout the night to douse the flames will be relieved to know that their efforts were pointless, as he could have extinguished the fire any time he liked, said God at a post-conflagration press conference. “Yeah that was definitely me,” he said. “The angels said they were getting all these prayers asking me to stop the fire destroying one of my houses, so I took immediate action and put the blaze out about eight hours later. I could have razed the city to the ground if I’d felt like it, but I guess I’m just munificent like that.”  Continue reading “Prayers not water put out Notre Dame fire, says God”

Keep Calm and Remain In

Fetherlite Elite

Controversy is surging through the Department of Education today as the vexed subject of sex education raises its head again.

Addressing Britain’s poor record on teenage pregnancies is a priority for the new Education Minister, Dr Ian Napton. “Have you been to Burnley lately and seen the number of young women pushing buggies? It’s unacceptable, and it’s costing the country a fortune in social housing. It’s very easy to control fertility, so we have to educate our young people.
Continue reading “Keep Calm and Remain In”

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