Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (The: school/shopping centre/church/hospital/community centre) in (state/town/city)

Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting(s) at (insert location/s)

Billy Bob Williams, on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person who would’ve done it anyway, responsible. And he was probably (insert specific non-white ethnicity, gender or sexuality), wasn’t he?

More Thoughts and Prayers

Terrorists think attacking Prince Andy will harm their reputation

Prince Andrew’s personal protection squad has been withdrawn after terrorists claim he’s too toxic to bother with.

The Security Services provides personal protection when members of the Royal Household are considered ‘at risk’ from terrorist groups, or unstable members of the public. If an attack emanates from within the Royal Family they are, traditionally, left to their own devices. 

Why does nobody love me anymore?

Greggs to produce Gwyneth Paltrow flavoured muffins

Following the success of her Lady Garden scented candle, Gwyneth Paltrow has announced a partnership with Greggs the Bakers to produce a range of fragrant muffins.

Gwyneth Paltrow's Muff at Greggs
Dive in boys, there is enough for everyone

The muffins will release a scent based on Ms Paltrow’s unique biology and are described as having a fresh, yeasty flavour.

Nom, Nom, Nom I love the taste of muff