Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Andy Handy carries on digging despite mummy taking away his shovel

Minor Royal, and noted arms industry representative, Prince Andrew gave an interview on BBC Newsnight about his relationship with close personal friend and nonce, Jeffrey Epstein. The objective was to clarify the exact nature of their relationship and to explain that, despite being a repeat visitor to Jeffrey’s many houses, a guest at his many parties and personally accused of sex with a minor, that he knew nothing of Jeff’s sex trafficking business.

I didn’t know anything about Jeffrey’s noncing says Andy Pandy

UK in Chaos As Sky News Desk Furniture And General Election Hopeful Incites “Chairmageddon”

There has been mass panic in the UK following the D.F.S. Sale finally ending due to all its furniture deciding to embark on political careers.

Speaking to D.F.S. CEO Andrew Futon, he explained, “We never realised that our furniture would walk out on us… usually we’d have to transport them in a van.”

Vote Chair you know it makes sense

Queen’s speech refers to Annus Horribilis II but which annus does she mean?

Britons have shrugged their collective shoulders at the prospect that one of the Queen’s overprivileged sons may have shagged a teenager who was groomed by a high profile businessman who was subsequently convicted of that sort of thing and committed suicide in jail.

Annus Horribilis II, as Pizza waiter emroigled in sex scandal

Pupin wins Puppeteer of the Year with his show ‘The Puppet States’

The International Order of Puppeteers has chosen this year’s winner of Puppeteer of the Year recipient, sock puppet master Vladislav Pupin.

News of Pupin’s win broke last night, after winning the award with a first-ever unanimous vote by IOP judges. “This big win is not surprising,” according to puppet show critic, Manolo CalcetÍn. “Pupin’s ability to manipulate multiple puppets while keeping his audiences mesmerized is ‘unmatched’ in the world today.” 

Of course you’re a real boy….tovarich