Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Britannia Updates her Facebook Relationship status to ‘It’s Complicated’

After a rather difficult weekend, Britannia has updated her Facebook relationship status to, ‘It’s Complicated’.

As the on/off relationship with her sexy European Pen-Pal, Jean-Claude Schmidt, comes to an inglorious and messy end, Britannia has gone on one disastrous date after another.  Continue reading “Britannia Updates her Facebook Relationship status to ‘It’s Complicated’”

The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (The: school/shopping centre/church/hospital/community centre/workplace) in (state/town/city)

Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting(s) at (insert location/s)

Billy Bob Williams, on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person who would’ve done it anyway, responsible. And he was probably a Muslim, wasn’t he? Continue reading “The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (The: school/shopping centre/church/hospital/community centre/workplace) in (state/town/city)

On Valentine’s, the most romantic night of the year, men still don’t know how to get the love of a good woman

It’s St Valentine’s Day and men the length and breadth of the country are making last minute decisions on what they need to buy for the ladies in their lives in order to maximise their chances of having sex tonight.

Ian Napton, a commuter at Paddington Station told us, “Last year, I planned the occasion some weeks in advance, buying chocolates in the January sales at Thornton’s. It all backfired when Gillian pointed out on Valentine’s night that the sell-by date was 20th January and I hadn’t noticed. Needless to say, I felt a chump and got the cold shoulder. This year I have been meticulous in my planning, and I know Aldi doesn’t close until 10pm, so I’ll be able to pick up some Milk Tray on the way home. They might even have some £2 bunches of daffodils left.” Continue reading “On Valentine’s, the most romantic night of the year, men still don’t know how to get the love of a good woman”

Nasa’s Mars Opportunity Rover does a Marvin, choosing suicide as Brexit drags on

Initially, Nasa scientists were baffled as to why one of their oldest, and most successful, planetary exploration vehicles, The Mars Opportunity Rover, suddenly stopped functioning.

Following detailed investigation, they’ve determined it was afflicted by Marvin’s Syndrome, named after Marvin The Paranoid Android, a mechanically depressed robot from The Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy.

Analysis showed systems failures, over-loads and glitches being reported every time news reports featured Brexit stories. Data telemetry also indicated the rover was reporting pain in all the diodes down its’ left side.  Continue reading “Nasa’s Mars Opportunity Rover does a Marvin, choosing suicide as Brexit drags on”

Sorry about Brexit, says Charles Darwin

Charles Darwin has interrupted his 136-year death to correct a fundamental error in his seminal “On the Origin of Species”.

While many of Darwin’s assertions remain unquestionably true, such as religion being utterly batshit and pigeons being dinosaurs in disguise, the bearded Victorian revenant apologised for underestimating humanity’s ability to produce Brexit. Continue reading “Sorry about Brexit, says Charles Darwin”

Middle England have tutted loudly after their request for special driving rights was dismissed

Widespread outrage is extending amongst Middle England, as their petition to exclude themselves from certain DVLA rules has been dismissed.

Multiple signatories had expressed the desire to be formally exempt from general ‘irritating’ rules, which had caused  ‘abject distress.’

Firstly, 4X4 vehicle drivers, insisted that they be permitted to park freely on double yellow lines, as well as the zig-zags in front of schools. Speaking passionately, Gillian Napton of Clapham declared, ‘’It’s utterly frightful if Tilly and Tarquin are expected to walk more than two metres to the car, after an exhausting day of studies.’’ Continue reading “Middle England have tutted loudly after their request for special driving rights was dismissed”

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