Britain’s newest and most up-and-coming magician is wowing them in the Shires and Backbenches. Not since the legendary Paul Daniels had Britain seen a trick like this one.
Known as Saj The Maj, he’s magically finding money for everyone, so his act is terribly popular. “Old magic doesn’t set pulses racing any more,” he told us. “Sleight of hand has been seen through. It’s just basic dishonesty when you strip the Manifesto policy wordings away, and people want more. Previous magicians have exhausted the old ‘pulling a rabbit out of a hat’ routine, too, so I needed something new. I looked at this old tree in the garden at the back of my new house and thought, hmm, a money tree. The previous bloke who lived here talked a lot about money tree policy, and now I understand what he was on about. I’ve built my act around it.”
Roll Up! Roll Up!
In a historic day for Britain’s finances The Pound achieved parity with The Peanut. The Governments devaluation strategy, using the Brexit mechanism, has worked. This morning The Pound plummeted past The Euro and The Banana before settling at one Peanut.
The Government claim this is a fantastic opportunity for their friends to trade peanuts, many had already short sold The Pound and filled their bird feeders.
More from The Organ Grinder
Economists are wailing as the Pound continues to plummet against every other currency in the world.
Ian Napton, a currency trader, told us, “I don’t even need my lucky coin toss for this one. I just bet on the Pound going down and collect my winnings at the end of the day.”
The Pound is now officially the worst performing major currency in the world over the past 24 hours, over the past month, over the past three months and over the past year, an achievement Michel Barnier couldn’t have conjured up in his wettest of dreams.
Find out more about pobble beads, here!
Damning evidence of how low Boris Johnson will go to become
the next Prime Minister came to light today when it was confirmed that all of
his friends have each had an extra thousand ballot papers issued to them.
Reminiscent of Baldrick’s election to The Commons at the
Dunny-On-The-Wold By-Election, when Blackadder voted for him 16,472 times to
properly express his true level of support for his candidate, Boris was of the
view that a few thousands of extra votes from his closest chums wouldn’t go
amiss. Alas, his plan was foiled when his Old Etonian pal, Tristan
Farquhar-Smith, spilled his Dom Perignon on his batch of ballot papers and
asked for “a few thousand more.”
As the right to be offended brigade swings into action the Government has announced that all Social Media posts require Police approval. The increasing number of people who have become upset after seeing something on the Internet has reached epidemic proportions.
In order to meet the additional workload, The Police Service are diverting officers from proper police work, like catching; TV Licence dodgers, speeding footballers, Wetherspoon drinkers and the homeless. Now they will ensure that no-one is in the least bit offended by some asinine comment posted on social media.
go on, You know you want to!
Sadly, Britain’s lost one of our most anonymous, and least effective, front-line politicians, Dr Flying Focks.
Dr Focks graduated from the University of Glasgow, a feat in itself. After qualifying as a GP, he felt better suited to a career in politics, rather than one where he actually helped people. Continue reading “RIP – Dr Flying Focks, the man who sent Theresa May to conga round The Congo”