The Beatles

Newly Discovered Beatles Tape Reveals Sinister Soviet Conspiracy

After years of conspiracy theories surrounding Sir Paul McCartney’s replacement at the height of The Beatles’ musical dominance, a newly discovered tape from the Abbey Road days finally explains that Paul McCartney never actually existed.

Todd Cunningham, a between-employment Beatles aficionado discovered these secret tapes at a car boot sale in Purley last weekend and was immediately amazed to discover that The Fab Four themselves never actually existed. Cunningham reveals that The Beatles were actually eighteen Russian spies, two monkeys and a time-travelling Noel Gallagher.

Scottish Tourist F*cked Off By Rush Hour London Underground Bulls**t

A man from Glasgow has reported that the London Underground – and everyone on it – is on crack, having survived an early morning tube journey. 

Following witnessing a business-looking guy sat across from him in his pyjamas eating Lucky Charms from a bowl – yes, a bowl – on a 7:30 District Line service, and a woman brushing her teeth with one of those electric vibrator-sounding things and gargling into her handbag, Tom Merton, (25) from Glasgow, has had enough. 

two men in a pub

Weekend ruined after two mates meet up for ‘a quick one’

Ian Napton hadn’t seen his mate Andy for a while, so they agreed to meet for ‘a quick one’ after work. Both assured family, friends and work colleagues that they’d just meet up for an hour, have a couple of pints befroe heading home to enjoy a busy weekend with their families.

Gillian Napton takes up the story “They turned up at four in the morning, completely legless. Ian was hungry so he tried to make cheese on toast, he ruined the grill, trashed the kitchen and set off the fire alarm. The prats then fell asleep watching Bullseye re-runs. If he says, ‘Here’s what you would have won!’ one more time I’ll swing for him. A quick one my arse! they’ve spoiled the whole family’s weekend.”

Pardon

Scientists discover that as ears get bigger hearing gets worse

A group of British scientists have published a paper claiming that the larger a human’s ears are, the lower quality of hearing they will have.

The study follows a continuous complaint (since the dawning of time) from older acquirers of ears who, ‘don’t know what you’re saying’. This often results in the exclamation, ‘speak up’, being heard – depending, of course, on the age of the verbal recipient.