Monkey Life

Telling stories about everyday monkey life

Boris sends his favourite bath-sponge to help the people of South Yorkshire

Boris Johnson has sent his favourite bath-sponge to help the people of South Yorkshire deal with their damp problem. Accused by his political opponents of doing more to help flood victims in Bangladesh than helping the people of South Yorkshire, immediate action was required.

Following today’s Cobra meeting the cabinet debated which Government Emergency Response would play best with Tory Voters. As Jacob Rees-Mogg said “Well as far as I can see it was entirely their own fault for living in Northern Labour constituencies. Some people are too stupid for their own good, if they had used their common-sense they would have left in their boats. If they can’t even help themselves, what’s the point of us trying to help? There’s no upside to throwing way money.”

Rain Rain go away, come again another day

God’s message to humanity

Not long ago, I was made aware of Republican congressman Tim Wahlberg’s comment that “God would ‘take care of climate change if it becomes a real problem’”.

Now I just want to assure Timbo that climate change is, in fact “a real problem”. Hurricanes, wildfires, sea levels rising, air quality… all these things are getting worse and worse for you little humans. 

Last time I was here it was a paradise, what have you done with the place?

Teachers claim “there are not enough hours in the day” so the DfE has increased the day to 27 hours

The Department for Education has today announced a series of bold new measures to curb rising rates of absenteeism and truancy in the school system, in plans that are sure to shake things up once again.

DfE spokesman, Mr Nigel Planer, announced the scheme, “We are seeing ever increasing rates of truancy in school. Too many of our teachers just aren’t turning up to their lessons. We’ve tried everything we can – longer hours, more marking, seemingly random adjustments to examinations, pointless and laughable attainment measures – but nothing has worked.”

Teacher truancy now at record levels

Grandad sent to a home after buying a copy of The Daily Mail

The Napton family has come to the sad realisation that it was time for Grandad to go into a home.

The trouble started when Grandad went to the local shop for a packet of Werthers Originals and came back with a copy of the Daily Mail. The embarrassed family immediately called an emergency meeting. After a quick chat, they decided that, even though he was only 58, it was time for him to go into a home. Grandma was delighted.

The Daily Mail, really? Oh! Grandad, How could you?