Monkey Life

Telling stories about everyday monkey life

Consternation in the classroom as a child completes their half-term project, unaided

Brainy student in class

School staff were left speechless, when they discovered that one of their pupils had completed their half term project independently.

Unsure how to respond appropriately, teachers were initially cautious, at this bizarre turn of events. Mother of three, Gillian Napton, broke the silence by confessing, ‘Look, I know it’s a pile of shite but it will have to do. My sanity is in shreds and my ears are bleeding, from having to tame these feral beasts for a week.’ Continue reading “Consternation in the classroom as a child completes their half-term project, unaided”

After a northerner slags off Borough Market the locals suggests he sticks to Wetherspoons as ‘he will feel more at home there’

Borough Market, a little pretentious? Surely not

Indignation spread across the artisan market community, when a crudely worded complaint was propagated on social media.

Tourist Trevor Manley, who can only be described as ‘northern’, felt that his visit to Borough Market was ‘poor value for money.’

Feeling ‘misunderstood and undervalued for their quintessential craft-personship’, stall holders responded bitterly, by suggesting that Manley had not appreciated the market’s ‘exemplary ambience’. Continue reading “After a northerner slags off Borough Market the locals suggests he sticks to Wetherspoons as ‘he will feel more at home there’”

Scientists prove that when mummy needs some help around the house, daddy’s bound to have buggered off again

Scientists have unveiled an algorithm relating to men, which plots the converse law of need, verses availability, in times of urgency.

Dubbed the McPhee paper, extensive research into male behaviour patterns, suggested that the greater the severity of the family crisis, the least likely they are to be contactable. Continue reading “Scientists prove that when mummy needs some help around the house, daddy’s bound to have buggered off again”

Generation Teen win praise for their valuable contribution to our community, not

Generation teen have been commended, for their ongoing contribution to the community.

Special thanks goes to their passionate use of raucous vocabulary, as it ensures that everyone within a mile radius can feel included in their conversation. Seeing adolescent romance played out at the bus-stop, has been likened to viewing modern Shakespeare. One drama fan, Gillian Napton mused, ‘’Hearing such lively banter after a long shift, is the highlight of my day. ’’
Continue reading “Generation Teen win praise for their valuable contribution to our community, not”

On Valentine’s, the most romantic night of the year, men still don’t know how to get the love of a good woman

It’s St Valentine’s Day and men the length and breadth of the country are making last minute decisions on what they need to buy for the ladies in their lives in order to maximise their chances of having sex tonight.

Ian Napton, a commuter at Paddington Station told us, “Last year, I planned the occasion some weeks in advance, buying chocolates in the January sales at Thornton’s. It all backfired when Gillian pointed out on Valentine’s night that the sell-by date was 20th January and I hadn’t noticed. Needless to say, I felt a chump and got the cold shoulder. This year I have been meticulous in my planning, and I know Aldi doesn’t close until 10pm, so I’ll be able to pick up some Milk Tray on the way home. They might even have some £2 bunches of daffodils left.” Continue reading “On Valentine’s, the most romantic night of the year, men still don’t know how to get the love of a good woman”

Middle England have tutted loudly after their request for special driving rights was dismissed

Widespread outrage is extending amongst Middle England, as their petition to exclude themselves from certain DVLA rules has been dismissed.

Multiple signatories had expressed the desire to be formally exempt from general ‘irritating’ rules, which had caused  ‘abject distress.’

Firstly, 4X4 vehicle drivers, insisted that they be permitted to park freely on double yellow lines, as well as the zig-zags in front of schools. Speaking passionately, Gillian Napton of Clapham declared, ‘’It’s utterly frightful if Tilly and Tarquin are expected to walk more than two metres to the car, after an exhausting day of studies.’’ Continue reading “Middle England have tutted loudly after their request for special driving rights was dismissed”

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