Monkey Life

Telling stories about everyday monkey life

Ian Napton was stunned to his socks when his builders did a great job, finished on time and didn’t try to shag his teenage daughter

It was with some trepidation that Ian and his wife Gillian began a single storey kitchen extension on their mid-terrace, Victorian property. Having had a mixed experience with builders over the years, they were understandably concerned there would be significant disruption.

Their existing kitchen was too small and they wanted to increase space by extending into the garden. Several properties in their road had already had this type of work done. Continue reading “Ian Napton was stunned to his socks when his builders did a great job, finished on time and didn’t try to shag his teenage daughter”

A miraculous, common sense, cure for mental health issues, has been successfully rolled out by the Health Secretary with a degree in Economics

With absolutely no medical or scientific expertise Stephen Hammond, the Health Secretary, has pioneered and new, common sense mental health therapy, which has achieved stunning results, at low cost and in a very short space of time.

With pioneering advancement, the ‘Conservatives Universal Natural Therapy’, leans towards a common sense approach. Patients are told to ‘lighten-up’, ‘look on the bright side’, ‘be positive’ and ‘pull yourself together’. Additionally, all patients are given a free copies of Monty Python’s ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life‘ and ‘Suicide is Painless’ the theme tune to M*A*S*H. Continue reading “A miraculous, common sense, cure for mental health issues, has been successfully rolled out by the Health Secretary with a degree in Economics”

Speeding Audi driver uses the two minutes saved on his drive home to discover a cure for cancer

Like many drivers of German cars, Ian Napton considers the road network to be his own personal playground. He regularly exceeds the  speed limit, cut people up at roundabouts, pointlessly switches lanes in traffic jams, drive two feet behind the car in front, bang his horn relentlessly and jumps through traffic lights. 

It was to shave precious seconds from his journey that he purchased a car with a top speed of 180 mph, despite speed limits of 70 mph or lower. Continue reading “Speeding Audi driver uses the two minutes saved on his drive home to discover a cure for cancer”

Arty mum asked to leave a trendy coffee shop after her emancipated toddler disturbed the Wa

A controversial decision to remove a group of wistful arty-types, with their accompanying offspring, from an artisan brasserie, has been met with widespread derision in middle England.

After three hours, having purchased only one skinny soya latte and three biodegradable straws, the proprietor Giuseppe Groucho, asked the entourage to move on. Continue reading “Arty mum asked to leave a trendy coffee shop after her emancipated toddler disturbed the Wa”

It’s the comments men make about my tits that really keeps me going, admits lady runner

Recent health survey results revealed an unexpected incentive for some women’s fitness drives.

An experienced runner, Gillian Napton, has attributed her consistent success in races, to the steady stream of hearty feedback, she receives from passing vehicles.

During her gruelling training sessions, often upwards of twenty kilometres, she admitted that she liked nothing better than a sharp horn blast or a wolf-whistle. Opening up to us she revealed, ‘’If I’m ever struggling with motivation in a race, all I think about are the warm, positive affirmations I receive, such as ‘nice pins’ or ‘you don’t get many of them for a pound’.” Continue reading “It’s the comments men make about my tits that really keeps me going, admits lady runner”

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