Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

The Government have handled Covid-19 brilliantly, says Boris

Growing pressure for an inquiry into their handling of the Covid-19 pandemic has been rejected by the UK government. A spokesperson from No. 10 stated there was no point because they had been brilliant so far.

How are the Government doing, Mr Johnson?
We did everything we could, when should have, even though we didn’t know what we were doing!

Last week’s Bavard Bar Caption Competition

The Bavard Bar has been described as Ted Talks for ordinary people. A selection of speakers, talk about their passions, all brilliantly hosted by the irrepressibly cheerful Tim Crook.

For the duration of ‘the difficulty’ Tim has moved The Bavard Bar online.

Each week he hosts a caption competition, for which The Chatty Chimp supplies an image. This was last week’s picture.

Can you do better?

Covid App trial cancelled after designer’s Gran signs up to Tinder by mistake

The trial of the Contact Tracing App was cancelled after the designer’s Gran accidentally signed up to Tinder.

Mabel Napton (68) was very proud that her Grandson, Ian, designed the Government’s Covid-19 contact tracing app. As a show of support, she bought a mobile phone and downloaded the app. The sign-up process was simple, and after entering basic details and posting a picture of herself, she was good to go.  

Whose emissions were like those of horses (Ezekiel 23:20)

The Great Lockdown Escape Plan, featuring every Tom, Dick and Harry

The Government releases details of their Great Lockdown Escape. Every home will receive a vaulting horse, wood stove and shovel.

The Cooler King

In his occasional address to the nation, Boris Johnson says that the Government wouldn’t be able to get everyone out at once. Some of you will have to remain locked up in lockdown.

You vill not escape, Englisher