Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Boris sends his favourite bath-sponge to help the people of South Yorkshire

Boris Johnson has sent his favourite bath-sponge to help the people of South Yorkshire deal with their damp problem. Accused by his political opponents of doing more to help flood victims in Bangladesh than helping the people of South Yorkshire, immediate action was required.

Following today’s Cobra meeting the cabinet debated which Government Emergency Response would play best with Tory Voters. As Jacob Rees-Mogg said “Well as far as I can see it was entirely their own fault for living in Northern Labour constituencies. Some people are too stupid for their own good, if they had used their common-sense they would have left in their boats. If they can’t even help themselves, what’s the point of us trying to help? There’s no upside to throwing way money.”

Rain Rain go away, come again another day

ELO’s Jeff Lynne Is Excited To Be Returning To His Alien Homeworld

ELO frontman and Intergalactic high-priest Jeff Lynne has revealed that sales from his new album, From Out Of Nowhere, will help to fund him rebuilding his spaceship.

“I’ve had it out the back garden since the seventies and I’ve tried calling the AA a couple of times but they’re not interested cos it’s not got wheels,” Mr Lynne told us. “So, now I just keep it outside and store my bikes and patio furniture in it, unless of course we’re using it for album artwork.”

Mr Blue Sky is heading back to his home world

Boris Johnson To Outlaw Furniture Following Popular Sky News Chair’s General Election Run

Following yesterday’s story of Alan Whickham-Smythe – Sky News Studio swivel chair and close personal friend of Kay Burley’s campaign to win the General Election, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced his decision to abolish chairs.

When asked if this decision was based on the chair being a more popular candidate for next PM and his biggest political rival, Mr Johnson replied, “Of course not, no. The decision to ban chairs from Britain has been a key policy of the Conservative Party for a couple of weeks, now. We feel that Britain is getting lazy and sitting around too much, waiting for us to get our fingers out and do our jobs, so away with chairs! Let’s all stand on two legs together.”

tOUGH ON FURNITURE, TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF FURNITURE!

Sky News Office Chair To Run In General Election

After appearing on Sky News this week, huge public support has inspired a local office chair to run for the General Election.

Alan Whickham-Smythe, the IKEA office chair and employee of Sky News, has announced that it will be running for the Independent “Oh sit down, Oh sit down, Sit down next to me” Party in the election following its starring role on the news when prominent Tory MP James Cleverly failed to sit on it. Instead, Whickham-Smythe has vowed to provide support for the country in any way possible with its two-armed swivel approach to politics.

Clearer than the Lib Dems, less offensive than The Tories and not Jeremy Corbyn. Vote Chair!

God’s message to humanity

Not long ago, I was made aware of Republican congressman Tim Wahlberg’s comment that “God would ‘take care of climate change if it becomes a real problem’”.

Now I just want to assure Timbo that climate change is, in fact “a real problem”. Hurricanes, wildfires, sea levels rising, air quality… all these things are getting worse and worse for you little humans. 

Last time I was here it was a paradise, what have you done with the place?