Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Jeremy Clarkson comes out as a Caravaneer

The latest celebrity to join the ‘coming out’ trend is Jeremy Clarkson, who stunned some people when he took to breakfast TV to publicly admitted his love of caravans.

In his statement, he revealed his life long passion for all things caravany. “It has always been an obsession of mine. When I was a kid I fell in love with the damn things, the way they swayed in a light breeze, let in the rain on a sunny day and held up all the traffic on the A303. Bliss!”

“It’s their beauty, elegance and complete uselessness that does it for” says JC

All Hail Ming The Merciless, Emperor

Sajid Javid, the outgoing Chancellor of the Exchequer, has been thrown under the Boris Bus.

In an audacious move by Dominic Cummings, all advisers at the Treasury are to be sacked and all official advice to the Prime Minister will come from a new “joint” team of advisers in Downing Street, provided that they agree with Mr Cummings. If they don’t, well, they can always feel the tread of the tyres as it rolls over them.

The Evil Puppet Master
Cumming The Merciless, ruler of country

'For God's sake buy her Valentine's Day flowers' warns regretful idiot

Self proclaimed modern man, Ian Napton has been left in a state of shock, after his genius idea ‘to swerve Valentine’s Day’, hugely backfired.

Napton announced his intention to abstain from the ‘commercial venture, allegedly ‘to avoid belittling’ his wife Gillian, with a show of ‘demeaning patriarchal tradition.’

Of course I love you darling, it’s just I can’t be bothered to get you anything

Government opens up HS3, a chuffing service from Caernarfon to Rhyl

Ivor The Engine is to come out of retirement, it has been announced, along with his driver, Jones The Steam.

Following the government’s announcement on HS2, Welsh MPs have vociferously complained that the proposed route, from London to the Midlands and onward to the North, excludes Wales altogether, so they’ve decided to be ahead of the game on HS3, which will run from Caernarfon to Rhyl.

HS3 – The Welsh Musket Train going flat out
Come on Ivor, you can do it!