Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting in (insert location)

Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (insert location)

Billy Bob Williams, on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person who would’ve done it anyway, responsible. And he was probably a Muslim, wasn’t he? Continue reading “The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting in (insert location)”

Sexy, blonde, tousle-haired sex siren, Borisina, to launch new erotic lingerie collection

Queen Victoria’s Secret Lady Garden have announced the new face of their latest erotic lingerie collection. It is none other than the sexual temptress and Jezebel, Borasina Johnson (54). The cuddly sex siren and wanton harlot was recently announced as the new face of elderly lingerie.

A Chris Griffiths, speaking for QVSLG said, “We ran the focus groups and couldn’t believe it when Borasina came out top in the poll of the 10 most bonkable people. Just goes to show what happens when you let the people vote.” Continue reading “Sexy, blonde, tousle-haired sex siren, Borisina, to launch new erotic lingerie collection”

Groovy Gang, Theresa and the May ‘B’ Knots get down to the funky ‘No Deal’ disco beat with their new single, Operation Clawhammer

Theresa’s Toe-tapping funksters have decided they are no longer prepared to dance to the Europop beat. Theresa and the May ‘B’ Knots have come up with a new, funky, disco style, “Clawhammer”. The sound of which has been likened to the screaming heard, when you repeatedly smash yourself in the face with a “Clawhammer”. Groupies confirmed this rhythmical, high pitched screaming style has been under development for the last two years.

Continue reading “Groovy Gang, Theresa and the May ‘B’ Knots get down to the funky ‘No Deal’ disco beat with their new single, Operation Clawhammer”

Viewers demand new judges for next season of Brexit Factor

The British public says it wants to see a new panel of judges for next year’s Brexit Factor, as this year’s have turned out to be monumentally shit at their job.

Disgruntled couch sloth Keith Wavering said: “I voted Europe out at the audition stage because Judge Boris said it was rubbish. I liked Boris for his funny hair, his hilarious gaffes and his utter lack of meta-ethical moral relativism, but now I’m starting to wonder if his dead-eyed monomania and egregious lust for victory at any cost isn’t misleading the audience a little bit.” Continue reading “Viewers demand new judges for next season of Brexit Factor”

Pensioners pump out prescription pills to kids

The Government’s austerity measures mean cash strapped pensioners have turned to drug dealing to supplement their dwindling incomes and to allow them to buy essentials, such as; scones, cake, liniment and Werther’s Originals.

In increasing numbers, The Grey Mafia (AKA The Grafia or The Cosy Nostrum) have moved into the illegal drugs market. Ironically, showing the entrepreneurial spirit,  of which the Conservatives, are so proud. Continue reading “Pensioners pump out prescription pills to kids”

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