Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

The winner of this years, Worst Celebrity Baby Name goes to Prestige Gazebos

Every year celebrities have competed in an annual competition to come up with the most outlandish name for their offspring. Moon Unit and Heavenly Hurani were notable examples of this worrying trend.

In recent years, with the growth of social media and the need to generate headlines, articles and controversial debate for the armies of talking heads, they’ve gone a bit overboard.

Notable celebrity baby names now include; Pirate, Rebel, Audio Science, Legume, Banjo, Moxie Crimefighter, Psychosis Smith, Apple, Pear, Star-Fruit, Pilot Inspector and IKhyd U Knot. Continue reading “The winner of this years, Worst Celebrity Baby Name goes to Prestige Gazebos”

Emergency Response Nannies called into Parliament to sort out the naughty little children

Angry scenes in parliament including backstabbing, intimidation and verbal abuse, resulted in Mary Poppins and Nanny McPhee making emergency appearances to restore law and order.

Poppins was aghast, when M.Ps insisted it was just another day at the office. She reported: ‘‘Nobody here is practically perfect in everyway. In fact, Michael Gove measured in as ‘deeply suspicious, with a hint of authoritarian.’’ Continue reading “Emergency Response Nannies called into Parliament to sort out the naughty little children”

They say ‘There’s someone out there, for everyone’, in Gillian Napton’s case it was Boris Johnson

Britain's Kennedy, Bozo Johnson dies

They say that there is someone out there for everyone and for most people that’s true. However disaster struck Gillian Napton, when it turned out the one for her was Boris Johnson.

A grieving Gillian explained, “I had just suffered a traumatic break up of yet another relationship and was at a very low point, when my friend, Christine, tried to comfort me by telling me, “Don’t worry, there is that special someone out there for everyone, including you.” I didn’t give it a lot of thought at the time, it’s just one of things people say. I said thank you and we opened another bottle of wine.”  Continue reading “They say ‘There’s someone out there, for everyone’, in Gillian Napton’s case it was Boris Johnson”

Man with a slight head cold insists he is on the verge of death

Ian Napton, a perfectly healthy man, in his early thirties, insists that as he is suffering from a slight cold he’s on the verge of death.

It was horrible, I felt a bit of a sniffle and had a couple of sneezes and that was it, I was done in. Of course I immediately took to my bed, armed with nothing more than a couple of good books, my mobile, the laptop, the TV Remote and a Classic Car magazine. There was no telling how long I was going to be off my feet, I thought I was going to die.” Continue reading “Man with a slight head cold insists he is on the verge of death”

In Dear Barbary this week, Theresa feels unloved and unsupported at work, should she consider a career change?

Dear Barbary,

I don’t seem to have many friends any more. I used to have, but now everyone says they don’t like me.

I’ve lost all confidence at work, too. My job seems so difficult, no one supports anything I do and I’m wondering if I should look for something else. Several of my old colleagues say that after-dinner speaking is lucrative so I might dress up my cv a bit and throw my hat in the ring for that.

Some people say I’m stubborn but I say I’m just standing my ground. I’m strong and stable.

What do you think might have happened to make my friends desert my side?

Yours sincerely,

Theresa. Continue reading “In Dear Barbary this week, Theresa feels unloved and unsupported at work, should she consider a career change?”

Modern Mum, Gillian Napton reviews the year to date “New year- new me…scrap that- same shit, different day!”

Modern women everywhere are in a permanent state of confusion, suffering the January blues, whilst wondering which unrealistic New Year’s resolution to plumb for.

With mixed media messages thrown at them daily, many are weighing up whether to embrace themselves, join the gym, chime gongs in a Himalayan retreat or sack it all off and binge watch Luther, with a massive bar of Galaxy. Continue reading “Modern Mum, Gillian Napton reviews the year to date “New year- new me…scrap that- same shit, different day!””

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