Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

The Conservative Party Apology Template (GE19 Edition)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening , I deeply regret that it’s necessary for me to make another public apology.

Unfortunately, they’ve made me make an unreserved apology to all those people that are not supporters of the Tory Party. It seems they are easily offended, I don’t know why, it was just a bit of bants.

But I didn’t mean it (Fingers Crossed)

Teachers claim “there are not enough hours in the day” so the DfE has increased the day to 27 hours

The Department for Education has today announced a series of bold new measures to curb rising rates of absenteeism and truancy in the school system, in plans that are sure to shake things up once again.

DfE spokesman, Mr Nigel Planer, announced the scheme, “We are seeing ever increasing rates of truancy in school. Too many of our teachers just aren’t turning up to their lessons. We’ve tried everything we can – longer hours, more marking, seemingly random adjustments to examinations, pointless and laughable attainment measures – but nothing has worked.”

Teacher truancy now at record levels

“Sorry, forget my own head next” says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Advance briefing is everything for politicians dashing from one interview to the next in the run-up to an election, and Jacob Rees-Mogg understands that better than most.

Rushing into one radio interview, he was armed only with the rationale that leaving is common sense and that people should ignore advice to remain. All good and all on-message so far. The tired old Leave vs Remain argument. An easy interview to head into.

I’m a silly old nuggins says JRM

Tory wins seat after saying “Benefit claimants should be put down!”

Opponents of Tory General Election candidate Francesca O’Brien have given up hope of being elected.

Lib Dem candidate, Ian Napton, told us, “What chance do we have against this sort of Tory talent. She goes around saying benefits claimants need to be put down and shameless Tories everywhere will come out and vote for her. It’s just the kind of bigoted nonsense every Daily Mail reader wants to hear. She’ll get a massive majority. There’s really no point in me standing against her.”

Daily MAIL HAILS NEW QUEEN

Nigel Farage finally gets the message

Having been rejected by the British public at seven previous General Elections noted self-publicist, Nigel Farage has decided not to stand in the upcoming vote.

“I looked at it and decided, nah! I won’t bother this time. Of course I’m not worried about being rejected for the eighth time. Anyway, I’ve got more than enough work not to be getting on with, in the European Parliament. Frankly the pay, benefits and lunches are much better in Brussels.” Said Nigel.

Nigel picks up his soap box and trots off