Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Just Do It…..tomorrow….or whenever

Just do it tomorrow

This week, Chatty is going to be taking a look at procrastination. Not today, obviously. Probably later in the week, or maybe next week. Yes, next week sounds better.

We recognise the cost suffered by chimps, people, businesses and the economy as a whole as a result of unnecessary delays, and we’re pleased to announce that we’re going to be hosting a conference on the subject in 2021.

Read this later! Whenever!

Pound now the world’s worst performing major currency

Day Trader selling the pound

Economists are wailing as the Pound continues to plummet against every other currency in the world. 

Ian Napton, a currency trader, told us, “I don’t even need my lucky coin toss for this one. I just bet on the Pound going down and collect my winnings at the end of the day.”

The Pound is now officially the worst performing major currency in the world over the past 24 hours, over the past month, over the past three months and over the past year, an achievement Michel Barnier couldn’t have conjured up in his wettest of dreams.

Find out more about pobble beads, here!

Frustrated housewife buried under an avalanche of empty toilet roll tubes

Near fatal toilet roll accident

A south London woman has been found safe and well, though slightly seething, after being reported missing by her husband. 

Fears for Gillian Napton grew, when her husband Ian discovered the Sunday roast had failed to emerge at it’s usual time, post golf game. 

Reliving the ordeal, Ian Napton told us, ‘Alarm bells rang, once I got home, arguably a tad late, to radio silence and an empty oven.’ 

Continue reading “Frustrated housewife buried under an avalanche of empty toilet roll tubes”

President is inept claims Ambassador but Trump says he’s never been there!

Donald Trump denies being in Ept

Donald Trump has responded to accusations, contained in an email sent by Britain’s top diplomat, that he is inept.

In a tweet, The President explained that he wasn’t in Ept, furthermore he had never been to Ept, he’d never heard of Ept and it was the last place he would ever ‘fuckin’’ go, he doesn’t even like pyramids. Before adding that this appears to be more Fake News, designed to put him ‘in Dutch’ with his wife.

Fake News, fAKE nEWS screams baby
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