Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Arty mum asked to leave a trendy coffee shop after her emancipated toddler disturbed the Wa

A controversial decision to remove a group of wistful arty-types, with their accompanying offspring, from an artisan brasserie, has been met with widespread derision in middle England.

After three hours, having purchased only one skinny soya latte and three biodegradable straws, the proprietor Giuseppe Groucho, asked the entourage to move on. Continue reading “Arty mum asked to leave a trendy coffee shop after her emancipated toddler disturbed the Wa”

Plans are afoot to move the Royal Family out of London if summer rioting breaks out

Whitehall sources have confirmed that plans originally drawn up during the Cold War to evacuate the Royal Family out of London in the event of nuclear attack have been “repurposed” in anticipation of civil unrest after a No Deal Brexit.

Ian Napton, a Whitehall spokesman, said, “We’re all set to smuggle The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh out of town if we need to. Their destination is, of course, top secret.” Continue reading “Plans are afoot to move the Royal Family out of London if summer rioting breaks out”

Whitewash Spokesperson, Sarah Sanders, confirms Donald Trump was appointed by God

Appearing on one of the many God channels on American TV, Whitewash Spokesperson, Sandra Sanders revealed that God had ordained Donald as President. After all it was a miracle he got elected in the first place. 

This revelation came as no surprise to his many followers who believe that God had blessed Donald and given him the right to transgress any man made laws in the interests of furthering the Big G’s philosophies.
Continue reading “Whitewash Spokesperson, Sarah Sanders, confirms Donald Trump was appointed by God”

Seaborne Freight turns to Somali Pirates for help manning their non-existent fleet

Disquiet about Chris Grayling’s favourite ferry company, Seaborne Freight, continues as they announce plans to hire Somali Pirates.

With real ferry companies recruiting extra staff in order to deal with the Post Brexit freight shipping bonanza, there’s now a significant labour shortage.

Coincidently, faced with a downturn in the pirate trade, following the success of a major Hollywood Movie, The Pirates wanted to utilise their transferable skills and increase income from other sources. Continue reading “Seaborne Freight turns to Somali Pirates for help manning their non-existent fleet”

Millennials get upset hearing Granny’s pearls of wisdom and are turning to Social Media to boost their fragile ego’s

Millennials feelings have been hurt and they’ve have run crying to social media for support as gangs of marauding grand-parents upset them by telling them some painful truths.

With stress levels peaking, the younger generation, are no longer willing to accept the grey-brigade’s pernicious pearls of wisdom. Multiple violations of teen’s emotional ‘safe space’ have been reported.
Continue reading “Millennials get upset hearing Granny’s pearls of wisdom and are turning to Social Media to boost their fragile ego’s”

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