Francis Underwood

Francis Underwood called in to help Theresa May get her deal through

As John Bercow stops Theresa May from bringing her EU Withdrawal Bill back to the House of Commons, drastic action was called for. Step forward super schemer, Francis Underwood.

The Speaker ruled that the bill was not ‘sufficiently different’ from the previous two versions The House had already voted on. Consequently, Parliamentary Rules stop it from coming back to The House, again.

PTBD -Man shouting

PTBD – Psychologists confirm Post Traumatic Brexit Disorder, is a thing

Psychologists, working at the School of Life, have confirmed the existence of PTBD, Post Traumatic Brexit Disorder.

Unheard of before 2016, the condition is now thought to be seriously affecting the mental well being of some 60 million people. Psychologists are asking for urgent steps to be taken in order to reduce the mental trauma currently ruining the lives of millions. Although, ironically, they don’t know what those steps are.

Death Penalty

Death penalty reprieve really annoys Donald Trump

The Governor Of California, Gavin Newsom, has announced a moratorium on carrying out the death penalty. Thus providing a temporary reprieve for the more than 700 people, on the State’s death row.

A spokesman for the Governor, Ian Napton, said, “He thinks that killing people doesn’t really set the best example. You wouldn’t believe how incredibly expensive it is, so he’s  proposing to stop doing it. However, he’s asking if citizens could meet him halfway and stop killing one another, too, that would be lovely. Then there wouldn’t be newcomers clogging up his death row. It’s terribly busy.”

Mental Health Self Checking Machine

Mental Health Self Checking System to replace Doctors

With mental health issues reaching a record high, the government have introduced a revolutionary ‘self-checkout system’.

Aimed at quelling the mental health crisis, self-checkouts will be trialled at supermarkets, bridges and train stations. Sponsored by Dignitas, each unit encourages sufferers to input their symptoms, then wait for automated feedback.