Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Mums rejoice and teachers despair as the new term begins

The country’s mums raise a glass in cheer as the nation’s children return to school.

Thank Christ for that!” said Gillian Napton, “It’s been torture, 6 weeks of trying to keep the little bastards amused. The only respite was 2 weeks in Torremolinos and that seems ages ago. Every time I thought it couldn’t get any worse, their friends would turn up for a sleep over. Why were my 2 never invited anywhere?”.

Sit down and be quiet!

Satan orders in extra kindling in readiness for Boris’s arrival

Coal and log merchants are rubbing their hands in glee after the Devil announced extra deliveries of fuel so he can ensure the fires of Hell will be burning really brightly and hotly in time for the arrival of Boris Johnson.

Johnson is already known to want to be in charge immediately on his arrival in Hell and an epic argument over who rules for all of eternity is expected.

More kindling!

UK to be renamed ‘The Great Democratic People’s Republic of Britain’

The Government plans to make Britain more democratic by shutting down Parliament. As a result the UK will be renamed The Great Democratic People’s Republic of Britain’.

In what is being hailed as a breakthrough in ‘thinking the unthinkable’, ‘blue skying’ and ‘spinning the unspinable’ Boris justified his actions by saying, ‘The last thing we need is that bunch of muppets interfering in the Grand Plan’.

Closed by order of the clown!