Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Snowflakes take the week off after Country Music fans are the victims of this week’s mass shooting

The sort of people who regularly drone on about America’s failure to control gun ownership after a mass shooting have been suspiciously quiet after the latest incident, this time in California.

Twelve people were shot dead by a man with a history of mental health issues in a venue where country music was playing. Continue reading “Snowflakes take the week off after Country Music fans are the victims of this week’s mass shooting”

Donald Trump reveals why he missed the celebration party to mark the end of the big bang-bang thingy

Fake News from France. President Trump missed the ceremony to commemorate the end of the First World War. After receiving much criticism on his beloved twitter, he went to great lengths to justify his reasons.

1. My team promised me showers, and I’d naturally assumed they were golden, which was why I’d agreed to the trip in the first place. I was very disappointed to discover Angela M was not going to be doing that German thing after all. Continue reading “Donald Trump reveals why he missed the celebration party to mark the end of the big bang-bang thingy”

Middle Aged White Atheist manages to get through a whole day without killing anyone or being a racist, misogynistic or homophobic di*k

Middle aged white not racist

A Middle-Aged, White, Working-Class, Atheist has managed to navigate his way through a large, ethnically diverse, capital city without succumbing to murdering people he didn’t like. Continue reading “Middle Aged White Atheist manages to get through a whole day without killing anyone or being a racist, misogynistic or homophobic di*k”

The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting in (insert location)

Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (insert location)

Billy Bob Williams, on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person who would’ve done it anyway, responsible. And he was probably a Muslim, wasn’t he? Continue reading “The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting in (insert location)”

PM Furious as plot to leak the Brexit timetable foiled, after leaked notes detailing the planned leak are leaked

Theresa May fails Geograph

Fears rose amongst the Tory party, as an indistinguishable piercing sound could be heard, echoing deep within the bowels, of the PM’s Office, in the House of Commons. The cunning plan to leak key Brexit details to the press, have themselves, been cunningly leaked. Continue reading “PM Furious as plot to leak the Brexit timetable foiled, after leaked notes detailing the planned leak are leaked”

Department of Health launches D-I-Y Home Operation Kits

Matt Hancock, Secretary of State for Health, has announced that the British People need to take responsibility for their own health, as the burden on the National Health Service  is too great and needs reducing, before it’s sold off to The Americans.

With this in mind the DoH have released a series of App based D-I-Y Home Operation kits, which will allow hard working families to take full responsibility for their health, their treatment and their clinical outcomes. Continue reading “Department of Health launches D-I-Y Home Operation Kits”

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