Britannia Updates her Facebook Relationship status to ‘It’s Complicated’

After a rather difficult weekend, Britannia has updated her Facebook relationship status to, ‘It’s Complicated’.

As the on/off relationship with her sexy European Pen-Pal, Jean-Claude Schmidt, comes to an inglorious and messy end, Britannia has gone on one disastrous date after another. 

The NRA send thoughts and prayers to victims of America’s latest mass shooting at (The: school/shopping centre/church/hospital/community centre/workplace) in (state/town/city)

Right-thinking members of the NRA are tonight sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of America’s latest mass shooting(s) at (insert location/s)

Billy Bob Williams, on behalf of the NRA, immediately held a mentally ill person who would’ve done it anyway, responsible. And he was probably a Muslim, wasn’t he?

On Valentine’s, the most romantic night of the year, men still don’t know how to get the love of a good woman

It’s St Valentine’s Day and men the length and breadth of the country are making last minute decisions on what they need to buy for the ladies in their lives in order to maximise their chances of having sex tonight.

Ian Napton, a commuter at Paddington Station told us, “Last year, I planned the occasion some weeks in advance, buying chocolates in the January sales at Thornton’s. It all backfired when Gillian pointed out on Valentine’s night that the sell-by date was 20th January and I hadn’t noticed. Needless to say, I felt a chump and got the cold shoulder. This year I have been meticulous in my planning, and I know Aldi doesn’t close until 10pm, so I’ll be able to pick up some Milk Tray on the way home. They might even have some £2 bunches of daffodils left.”

Nasa’s Mars Opportunity Rover does a Marvin, choosing suicide as Brexit drags on

Initially, Nasa scientists were baffled as to why one of their oldest, and most successful, planetary exploration vehicles, The Mars Opportunity Rover, suddenly stopped functioning.

Following detailed investigation, they’ve determined it was afflicted by Marvin’s Syndrome, named after Marvin The Paranoid Android, a mechanically depressed robot from The Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy.

Analysis showed systems failures, over-loads and glitches being reported every time news reports featured Brexit stories. Data telemetry also indicated the rover was reporting pain in all the diodes down its’ left side.