A part-time, just-for-fun shares trader pissed himself with laughter today as it emerged Deutsche Bank are sacking the professionals they employed to do the same job.
Ian Napton, a complete guesser who grew up in the Surrey Stockbroker Belt, told us, “Shares are either going to go up or down, aren’t they? It’s a fifty/fifty guess. You don’t need an Economics degree to work that out. I toss my lucky coin, heads for up, tails for down, and bet accordingly. I made £22 today.”
The Puppy of Wall Street
Damning evidence of how low Boris Johnson will go to become
the next Prime Minister came to light today when it was confirmed that all of
his friends have each had an extra thousand ballot papers issued to them.
Reminiscent of Baldrick’s election to The Commons at the
Dunny-On-The-Wold By-Election, when Blackadder voted for him 16,472 times to
properly express his true level of support for his candidate, Boris was of the
view that a few thousands of extra votes from his closest chums wouldn’t go
amiss. Alas, his plan was foiled when his Old Etonian pal, Tristan
Farquhar-Smith, spilled his Dom Perignon on his batch of ballot papers and
asked for “a few thousand more.”
Following a steady decline in the state of the United States, Democrats and Republicans have approached Queen Elizabeth asking her to take America back.
Concerned that America’s become a global laughing stock and appalled at the evermore erratic behaviour of their President, The Yanks want The Queen to run things again. Having watched The Crown on Netflix, Americans feel that Lizzie will bring a bit of decorum, decency and self-respect to the troubled nation. At least Her Majesty won’t be a national embarrassment every time she opens her mouth.
One suggests you read this!
Following the biggest and driest Glastonbury for years, in a
welcome boost to the UK economy, drug dealers have reported a bumper sales
boost at this year’s festival.
Ian ‘The Gange’ Napton, “We had a brilliant few days, much better than we expected. It seems the crowd were ‘totes up’ for ‘getting off their tits’.”
Hi Man! Chill!
And now, my end is near
My leadership gone for a burton
U.K I’ll say it clear,
You’ve done it now, of which I’m certain
Regrets, I’ve had a few
Article 50 and it’s extension
I did what I had to do
And saw it through with much contention Continue reading “Theresa, leaving us with a song “I did it May Way””
Spiritualist claims that Boris de Pfeffel Johnson
is the reincarnation of Sir Lancelot du Lac, heroic knight, legendary
swordsman, jouster and jester.
Spiritualist, fortune teller and seer beyond the veil, Zofia Napattoni, believes that Boris Johnson is the reincarnation of the heroic knight, Sir Lancelot.
Ancient myth says that when Britain is threatened a hero will
come to lead the people to safety and, according to Zofia, Boris is the man.
ARISE SIR BORIS THE RANDY!