Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Part-Time Coin Tosser out performs Deutsche Bank traders

A part-time, just-for-fun shares trader pissed himself with laughter today as it emerged Deutsche Bank are sacking the professionals they employed to do the same job.

Ian Napton, a complete guesser who grew up in the Surrey Stockbroker Belt, told us, “Shares are either going to go up or down, aren’t they? It’s a fifty/fifty guess. You don’t need an Economics degree to work that out. I toss my lucky coin, heads for up, tails for down, and bet accordingly. I made £22 today.”

The Puppy of Wall Street

Boris wins leadership vote after his friends get extra ballot papers

Boris Johnson

Damning evidence of how low Boris Johnson will go to become the next Prime Minister came to light today when it was confirmed that all of his friends have each had an extra thousand ballot papers issued to them.

Reminiscent of Baldrick’s election to The Commons at the Dunny-On-The-Wold By-Election, when Blackadder voted for him 16,472 times to properly express his true level of support for his candidate, Boris was of the view that a few thousands of extra votes from his closest chums wouldn’t go amiss. Alas, his plan was foiled when his Old Etonian pal, Tristan Farquhar-Smith, spilled his Dom Perignon on his batch of ballot papers and asked for “a few thousand more.”

Here, Here!

America asks The Queen to have her back

The Queen

Following a steady decline in the state of the United States, Democrats and Republicans have approached Queen Elizabeth asking her to take America back.

Concerned that America’s become a global laughing stock and appalled at the evermore erratic behaviour of their President, The Yanks want The Queen to run things again. Having watched The Crown on Netflix, Americans feel that Lizzie will bring a bit of decorum, decency and self-respect to the troubled nation. At least Her Majesty won’t be a national embarrassment every time she opens her mouth.

One suggests you read this!

Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is the reincarnation of Sir Lancelot du Lac claims spiritualist

Sir Lancelot

Spiritualist claims that Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is the reincarnation of Sir Lancelot du Lac, heroic knight, legendary swordsman, jouster and jester.

Spiritualist, fortune teller and seer beyond the veil, Zofia Napattoni, believes that Boris Johnson is the reincarnation of the heroic knight, Sir Lancelot.

Ancient myth says that when Britain is threatened a hero will come to lead the people to safety and, according to Zofia, Boris is the man.

ARISE SIR BORIS THE RANDY!
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