Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

When we say ‘Artisan’ that doesn’t mean we want customers who work with their hands, admits posh bakery

Fear and chaos ensued in Shoreditch yesterday, when an a blue-collar worker, entered a high-end, artisan bakery.

At first, everyone remained calm and silent, until he took the provocative step of asking for a cut white loaf. Stunned, the assistant and drama student, Pippa Piper-Montacute, was unable to respond. Bravely, she endeavoured to offer the suspect a sourdough, gluten-free bloomer, as a means of placation.  Continue reading “When we say ‘Artisan’ that doesn’t mean we want customers who work with their hands, admits posh bakery”

The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay has gone missing. Please search garden sheds, outbuildings and anywhere a vulnerable MP can build a den. Let’s get him home.

An urgent appeal has been launched across to try and find missing Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay.

He was last seen entering 10 Downing Street on 16th of November, 2018. After a short press conference where his appointment, as Brexit Secretary, was announced, he left the building and has not been seen or heard from since. Continue reading “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay has gone missing. Please search garden sheds, outbuildings and anywhere a vulnerable MP can build a den. Let’s get him home.”

Mike Ashley in a new and exciting partnership with the Department of Education

Newcastle United owner and Sportsdirect.com behemoth Michael Ashley has announced a new and exciting partnership to the world’s media via the Basingstoke Gazette and a confused Buzzfeed intern.

Michael set out the main aims of the deal; “My company, Sportsdirect.com, is linking with the Department of Education to bring business efficiencies into Education. For too long schools have been characterised by wasteful spending and unrealised earning potentials.” Continue reading “Mike Ashley in a new and exciting partnership with the Department of Education”

Catastrophe in the southern English village of Datchet as 1 mm of snow causes chaos

Gillian Napton has suffered an injury to her pride, following an unfortunate fall on her front steps.

Attempting to prepare for the severe weather, Gillian had made an emergency expedition to Aldi, for crisis rations and a snow shovel. Heavily laden with thirty-six pints of milk, ten loaves of bread and three litres of gin, Gillian sadly overbalanced into the herbaceous border. Continue reading “Catastrophe in the southern English village of Datchet as 1 mm of snow causes chaos”

P&O relocate to Cyprus after finding out the Chris Grayling will be in charge of cross channel ferry services

P&O have announced that they will be registering their cross channel ferries under a Cypriot Flag of Convenience.

They’ve decided to change fleet registration after finding out that Chris Grayling, Minister for Transport, will have responsibility for Cross Channel ferry services once Britain leaves the EU, on 29 March 2019.  Continue reading “P&O relocate to Cyprus after finding out the Chris Grayling will be in charge of cross channel ferry services”

Prince Philip crashes his car doing the Bird Box challenge

Managing to avoid killing himself or anyone else, Prince Philip made a pigs ear of the Bird Box Challenge, after his Land Rover careered into a Ford Kia.

It’s believed that Phil and Liz watched the hit Netflix horror movie on the night before the accident. They like to keep abreast of modern trends, and had noted the Bird Box Challenge was popular on the Internet.  Continue reading “Prince Philip crashes his car doing the Bird Box challenge”

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