Monkey News

All the news from Monkey Island

Margaret Thatcher to be resurrected on Easter Sunday

Margaret Thatcher Funeral procession

Church of England officials are horrified at the Conservatives latest parliamentary bill; proposing to bring Easter forward, in a bid to resurrect Margaret Thatcher.

With hope fading fast for a satisfactory end to the Brexit shit-shamble, this radical plan seems the only option. The exhumation of the Iron Lady seems the only way to rekindle the belief of the Tory Faithful.
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He’s Not The Messiah, he’s not even a naughty boy

He is not The Messiah

Scientists, working at the University of Life, have concluded that Nigel Farage is not The Messiah, he’s not even a vary naughty boy!

The confusion arose when Nigel pledged to walk 250 of his people out of oppression and tyranny, to the promised land of London. He’d even laid on a bus.

One noted theologian said, “No, hang on! Isn’t that Moses?”
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Francis Underwood called in to help Theresa May get her deal through

Francis Underwood

As John Bercow stops Theresa May from bringing her EU Withdrawal Bill back to the House of Commons, drastic action was called for. Step forward super schemer, Francis Underwood.

The Speaker ruled that the bill was not ‘sufficiently different’ from the previous two versions The House had already voted on. Consequently, Parliamentary Rules stop it from coming back to The House, again.
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PTBD – Psychologists confirm Post Traumatic Brexit Disorder, is a thing

PTBD -Man shouting

Psychologists, working at the School of Life, have confirmed the existence of PTBD, Post Traumatic Brexit Disorder.

Unheard of before 2016, the condition is now thought to be seriously affecting the mental well being of some 60 million people. Psychologists are asking for urgent steps to be taken in order to reduce the mental trauma currently ruining the lives of millions. Although, ironically, they don’t know what those steps are.

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Death penalty reprieve really annoys Donald Trump

Death Penalty

The Governor Of California, Gavin Newsom, has announced a moratorium on carrying out the death penalty. Thus providing a temporary reprieve for the more than 700 people, on the State’s death row.

A spokesman for the Governor, Ian Napton, said, “He thinks that killing people doesn’t really set the best example. You wouldn’t believe how incredibly expensive it is, so he’s  proposing to stop doing it. However, he’s asking if citizens could meet him halfway and stop killing one another, too, that would be lovely. Then there wouldn’t be newcomers clogging up his death row. It’s terribly busy.” Continue reading “Death penalty reprieve really annoys Donald Trump”

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